


Plans We Didn't Know We Made

by ObsidianRomance



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-24
Updated: 2013-02-24
Packaged: 2017-12-03 11:39:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/697861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObsidianRomance/pseuds/ObsidianRomance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen and Jared are married with no plans for kids because handling Jensen's blood disorder is work enough.  When Jensen ends up pregnant it is more than his life on the line.  This is the hard journey to figure out how many obstacles they can overcome.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Plans We Didn't Know We Made

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: mpreg, mpreg!jensen, talk of miscarriage, talk of abortion, medical complications, blood disorders, mild cursing, graphic birth, angst, a little schmoop  
> Rating: PG-13 - R  
> Disclaimer: I own nothing but the mistakes. I am just borrowing characters and faces for fun.  
> A/N 2: This deals with very real stories and disorders. I have purposely left some medical facts vague because I didn't want it to read like a medical text. But it does deal with blood disorders. The thing about blood disorders are that they are different for everyone. Disseminated Intravascular Coagulation (DIC) is a very real disorder that I have a extremely mild version of. It is not fun, but it was worse when I was younger. I know how to deal with it. The elements about the states laws on when a fetus is considered viable has to do with my state and that part of the story was stolen almost exactly from what my friend went through with her pregnancy.  
> That being said, I hope you enjoy! Feel free to ask my any questions about the medical issues I brought up.

Jensen’s jaw went slack as he watched the anchor man relay the latest news.

The mouthful of breakfast he just swallowed threatened to make a reappearance, fueled by the panic building in his belly.

“Jared!”  His voice rang through the house, loud enough to reach even the most forgotten of corners.

He sits in silence during the time it takes his husband to enter the kitchen; the T.V. is paused, Jensen thankful they have a DVR and can rewind to the beginning of the news story.

“What?”  Jared appears, body language speaking his confusion at Jensen’s panicked tone.  He’s been working out, wearing nothing but mesh shorts and the sweat dripping down his chest.

“Watch.”  He gestures to the television with a nod and the remote, pressing play.

It’s a 30 second clip, but Jared realizes right away the reason for Jensen’s alarm.  “Oh shit…”

“Yeah.”  Oh shit is right.  Hearing the news again only sends another shot of panic through him.

“Are you….?”  Jared’s words trail off but they are on the edge of a question.

Jensen knows what he is asking but he can’t answer the questions, not really.  “I don’t know.”  Jensen doesn’t.  He doesn’t feel like he is.  Subconsciously, his fingers are on the remote, sending the news clip back to the beginning.  His ears are searching for dates, numbers, statistics…a death sentence.  He’s being dramatic; he has good reason.

The words play back, they are spoken calmly but their effects are chaotic.

He and Jared were being as careful as they could possibly be, taking every precaution short of abstaining from sex.  They don’t want kids.  It wasn’t in the realm of ‘Never Going To Happen’ but it was more in the category of ‘Really Shouldn’t Happen’ and definitely in the ‘Not Going To Happen Right Now’.

It was, to say the least, complicated.

They discussed it, but they were far too selfish at this point in their lives to have another person depending on them.  Adding to that the fact that Jensen’s doctors recommend he never – EVER – try to carry a child, and they were both in agreement in not having children…or waiting for a very very very long time.

It got even more complicated.

Jared is on birth control.  That part is simple.  But Jensen doesn’t have the same luxury.  His blood disorder makes it hard for him to stick with any type of birth control for an extended period of time.  Hormones cause blood clots; other attempts leave him with huge welts and bruises or his legs not getting enough blood flow.   His doctors said there were very few other contraception choices other than condoms but they were hesitant to leave him with only that option.  They suggested surgery, suggested removing his cyst filled womb.  It isn’t the first time in his life the option came up, but then they decide against it. 

It’s been a lifelong medical journey.  He’s dealt with his blood disorder and cysts since he can remember.  Jensen’s had the cysts removed in the past, but they always come back, sometimes growing larger.  They are mostly harmless, sometimes painful, but harmless.  He’s had several different opinions and most doctors seem to think that if he is handling living with the cystic womb and shouldn’t go through with unnecessary surgery.  Removing an organ is always a shock to the body, and Jensen is dealing with it, so everyone is in agreement that it shouldn’t be removed.  But they are also in agreement that he shouldn’t carry children, are almost positive that the embryo would attach to a cyst and cause a miscarriage or, even worse, rupture the cyst which would result in bleeding – a lot of bleeding.  So they send him off with a recommendation to forego penetrative sex, and if he _must_ participate, use a condom or two.

Knowing Jared since pre-teen years makes it easy for the man to understand Jensen’s medical issues.  He’s been there since the beginning so there is no need for Jensen to explain everything to him.  When they started dating in college, Jared already knew kids were probably off the table for Jensen.  He was there when Jensen first tried birth control hormones, was the one to bring him to the hospital when the clotting started, and never wants to see the man he loves deal with those complications again.  He’s been with Jensen for every doctor’s appointment, knows every routine, and when Jensen’s doctors say the only safe forms of contraceptives for him are surgery or condoms, Jared comes home with birth control for himself and more condoms than Jensen knows what to do with.

Jared doesn’t make Jensen feel like he is sick, because Jensen isn’t sick.  He has a disorder, other than that he is perfectly healthy and capable.  But still, people tend to walk on eggshells around Jensen, always asking if he is feeling alright.  The fact that Jared carries on like everything is normal is one of the many qualities that made Jensen ask Jared to marry him. 

So while things might be medically complicated for them, everything else is blissfully simple.  They fall into routines that make their lives feel complete.  They are painfully honest with each other.  And because of this honesty, Jensen knows having kids right now is a terrible idea.  In a few years, things could change.  Although, he can’t lie to himself and say he isn’t relieved most of that burden would fall on Jared.  It is the one time in his life that he uses his disorder as an excuse.  They both know they are going to follow the doctor’s order and prevent Jensen from carrying a child, but Jensen is happy to give up that role for more than medical reasons.

So they are careful.  Their relationship is electric and they have sex…a lot…but they are careful.  Jared is on the pill to prevent conception, but Jensen still wears a condom for double protection.  They are spending a fortune on condoms but it doesn’t matter, Jensen will do pretty much anything to get inside his husband.  It doesn’t help matters that Jared is a tease with a penchant for spur-of-the-moment sex at random places and random times.  Jensen has no complaints, because working together provides them all too many opportunities for a quickie in the middle of the work day.  He’s also not complaining that they are washing their bed sheets almost every other day.

Above all things, Jensen believes in equality in their relationship.  They are partners.  They are versatile.  And while he loves topping for Jared, he also lets his husband have a chance at the role too.  They keep his doctor’s warnings in mind, and Jared makes sure he has a condom on every time he pounds Jensen into the mattress. 

Through having sex with a condom still leaves some chance at Jensen getting pregnant, they are too selfish to give it up.  They are human.  And while sometimes they can think rationally, sometime they want very much to have hot sweaty monkey sex until they pass out.

So there is still a risk, but they are being careful.  It’s been working out.

Then this morning happened.  Jensen is still looking at the television, but Jared has his hand on the back of Jensen’s neck, fingers massaging the tension there.

“It might be nothing.”  Jared kept contact with Jensen as he sat down in the chair beside him.

“Yeah.”  Jensen clicked the television off, but it doesn’t stop the words from playing over in his head anyway.  There was a massive recall on condoms, their almost complete ineffectiveness having just come to the production company’s attention.  Of course it would be the brand of condom he and Jared used being recalled.  Of course it wasn’t just a slight manufacturing problem, but a large one.  More grand scale – effecting production dates in terms of months, not weeks.

“We can get checked out.”  Jared sees Jensen’s brain drifting somewhere significantly darker. 

“Yeah.”  Jensen can’t seem to utter anything else.  His stomach drops out.  He gives Jared a weak apologetic sigh before pushing up from his chair, grabbing his keys, and breezing out of the house.

He doesn’t come back until he buys every pregnancy test on the market from the small drug store around the corner.

Jared is still sitting at the kitchen table but Jensen can’t figure out what he is thinking.  It takes him a moment to realize the man has destroyed his fingernails, a nervous habit Jensen _knows_ he kicked years ago.  It must have come back with a vengeance because Jared’s nails look like they are ready to bleed. 

Guilt about walking out on him 15 minutes ago without a word slaps him in the face.  He has no idea what is going to happen in the next ten minutes but he needs to ground them somehow.  He crouches beside Jared, curls his abused fingers into his hands and kisses them.  They don’t speak, but Jensen’s hesitation to leave that moment speaks volumes about the anxiety wreaking havoc in his body.

It takes them several minutes but they eventually end up in the master bathroom staring at a bunch of pregnancy tests.  Actually, Jared is the one doing most of the staring, Jensen has decided the ceiling is a safer thing to focus on right now.  He doesn’t want to jinx anything by staring at it, waiting for it to change or not change.

The timer on Jensen’s cell phone goes off and he finds the courage to look down at the tests Jared took.  Their results, whatever they are, will be the easier ones to swallow.

Jared isn’t pregnant.  There is relief but it is fleeting.

He grabs one of the tests he took and sees right away that it is positive.  Jared’s hand is on his back, his husband’s seen the test results already and is tense.  Jensen reaches for another, knows before looking that that one will be positive too, but he looks anyway.  Positive.

“Fuck.”

************

Ultrasounds aren’t a new thing for Jensen.  He’s used to the routine, the cold gel, the pressure of the transducer.  He’s been having them for years now to see what is going on inside his body.

If he thinks about it long enough, he can lose himself to the belief that his body is betraying him; it is slowly finding a way for him to feel different, inadequate, broken.  For those reasons, he rarely thinks about it.  But, staring at his insides on a screen make it hard to _not_ think about it at the current moment.

He’s had enough ultrasounds to pick things up on the screen.  Where most people see static-y black and white grainy images, Jensen can make out each cyst.  He can make out more than most people might realize, which is why his breath catches before the doctor even says anything.  Seeing his messed up insides isn’t new.  Having Jared with him every time he gets checked out isn’t new either.  What is new is the tiny person shaped profile he sees somewhere between two larger sized cysts.

“Shit.”

Dr. Nardy raises an eyebrow at Jensen’s expletive.  He’s had Jensen as a patient for over 10 years and knows him well enough to understand that the man is 5 minutes away from freaking out.  “You’re definitely pregnant.”

Jensen looks down at his gel shined stomach like it has double crossed him.  His eyes knit together and he scowls, chest rising and falling faster.

He’s pregnant.

He’s pregnant.

 _HE_ is pregnant.

His eyes dart to Jared and then back to his middle.  He can’t hold onto false hope that the at home pregnancy test was wrong.  It’s official.  He has a person growing in his extremely fucked up womb.

It all happens in a matter of seconds but he feels like he’s been in his own head for an hour.  He can’t seem to focus anywhere but his middle, the part of him that has just committed the ultimate betrayal.  His abdomen is rounded out slightly, but that isn’t anything new.  With his clothing on he always looks slim and trim but Jared has seen him at his truest.  His cysts cause the area bellow his belly button to have a slight puffy appearance, not fat, just swollen.  Sometimes are worse than others, sometimes it depends on what is going on with his blood.  Being slightly more swollen than normal isn’t anything he would have picked up on.  But now, looking down at himself, he wonders how he couldn’t pick up on it.

The doctor moves the transducer again and presses down more firmly.  It doesn’t hurt but the movement shocks Jensen back to reality.  “It’s actually a small miracle that the baby attached itself where it did.  It’s firmly against the uterine wall.  The chance of it missing a cyst entirely was a small one.”  He pointed to the fetus on the screen.  “But there it is.”

Jensen licks his lips, his mouth having gone dry.  “Yeah, there it is.”  He stares at the screen and the baby moves, something that must be its arm stretching out.

“Jensen, I know we’ve spoke about the dangers if this happened, but you’ve already defied odds without even realizing it.”  The doctor goes back to studying the screen, moving the transducer and capturing different images, seeing things Jensen isn’t.

“By getting pregnant?” Jensen huffs and falls back on snippy quick witted sarcasm to mask the feeling that he is going to throw up.

Dr. Nardy doesn’t even flinch, he’s used to brushing past Jensen’s attitude.  “By getting pregnant and staying pregnant for over 14 weeks.”

Jensen swallows hard but in the end it is Jared’s voice that fills the room.

“What?!”  Jared is leaning forward, still hovering over Jensen but leaning closer to the screen, as if that will help everything make sense.

“The fetus is measuring a fraction over 14 weeks.  You’re through the first trimester.  It’s still small, which is probably why the cysts haven’t been an issue yet, but it looks healthy.  With your chance of miscarriage being as high as it is, this little guy, or girl, has beat some pretty scary statistics.  It’s thriving.”  Dr. Nardy flips a switch and a whooshing sound fills the room.

Jensen has seen enough movies to know what that sound is.  It infiltrates his brain and he feels claustrophobic.  “14 weeks?”  14 weeks is a long time.  He’s had this thing in him that he could kill, that could kill him, for 14 weeks and didn’t even know.

Nodding, the doctor looks down at him.  “Give or take a few days.”

The whooshing sound drowns everything else out and Jensen pushes himself off the table, forcing the transducer away and consequentially stopping the sound of the baby’s heartbeat.  Everything seems hazy and his brain can’t get a grasp on the severity of what is happening.

He grabs onto the small garbage can in the corner of the room, gives into the feeling that has been growing in his gut, and throws up.

It’s the first thing on the list of events to come that he is blaming on the baby.

*************

Jensen spends the next two days barely getting out of bed.  Physically, he feels fine.  Mentally? Not so much.

Jared, bless him, has been trying.  But right now he is hovering around the bedroom like a man without a country.  The room is dark but if Jensen opens his eyes he can catch the silhouette of his husband trying to find something to do.

He knows it might be immature, but Jensen doesn’t feel like facing the world right now.  He has a million decisions to make and the nagging in his own brain is enough for him to deal with.  The comfort and solitude of his bed has been a much easier pill to swallow than actually doing with the heavy shit he knows he is going to have to face eventually.

“Jen?”

“Hmm?”  Jensen pushed himself up from the bed, turning to face Jared before falling back to the bed dejectedly.

“You can’t stay in bed for the rest of your life.”  Jared sat on the edge of the bed, one hand running through his hair.

“I totally can if you stay here with me.”

Jared let out a weak laugh.  “Jen…I’m being serious.”

Jensen sighed and rolled onto his back, stretching his hands over his head.  “I think…I think I am too.”

Sighing sadly, Jared shook his head.  “Listen, I know you think you can keep ignoring this or hope that maybe it will just go away.  But it won’t.  You’ll still be pregnant.  This isn’t one of your mind-over-matter issues you get with your blood disorder.  You have to decide what you want to do.  The baby isn’t just going to go away.”

“What if it does?”

“Huh?”

“What if I…if I can’t…”  Jensen paused and pushed himself up into a sitting position.  “Dr. Nardy said it is a miracle I got pregnant, an even bigger miracle I am still pregnant.  It could just all…go…away.”  He sat cross legged and arched his back, trying to relieve some of the tension in his middle.

Jared reels back and looks at him like the words just slapped him in the face.  Disbelief is evident in his words.  “That is your plan?  Sit and wait for something to happen?  Don’t stop it, don’t cause it?  Just wait?” 

“I don’t know.  Maybe.”  Jensen took a deep breath and tried to gain composure.  “I don’t know Jay.”  His voice got quiet and he withdrew into himself for a moment. 

“Seriously?  You, who has never let fate or doctors or even me decide what path your life would take, you are just going to do nothing?”

Jensen stared Jared down, eyes intense but voice weak.  “It could kill me.”

“Yeah, yeah it could.  But so could your blood disorder.”

“This is different.” He averted his eyes and focused on the fabric of the bed’s comforter.

“How?  How is it different?”  Jared’s words weren’t heated but they were filled with his need to know what his husband was thinking.

“It just is Jay.  It could kill me _because_ of my blood disorder.  And because of my blood disorder…I could kill it…without even meaning to.  It’s too high a price to pay either way.”  Jensen tilted his head up to stare at the ceiling before letting out a laugh in disbelief.  “I mean, come on Jay, a baby? Really?  We didn’t want one, were told I should never have one.  Are we seriously having this discussion?”

Jared flinched.  “Yeah well I am sorry!  I guess ignorance is a much better option than actually discussing something properly like two adults.  What was I thinking?  I’m sorry.  My mistake.”  And there was the anger, not specifically at Jensen but at the situation.  He was just as much stuck in a difficult situation as his husband.

“Jared…”  Jensen reached out a hand but Jared ducked away from his touch.

“No Jensen.  I love you, you know I do.  But I need you to understand what we are messed up in right now.  I need you to stop running.  Just stop running and we can figure this out…whatever you want to do, we’ll figure it out.”  He sounded desperate.  “Just stop running.”

Jensen saw the anger reflected in the man’s eyes.  He also saw something else.  He saw just how deep his husband’s love went for him, how he would do absolutely anything to make him happy and keep him safe.  He saw how much he had fallen in love with the idea of having a baby but never once tried to make Jensen feel the same way.  He loved Jensen enough to let the man make the decision he was most comfortable with on his own.  “What do you want me to do Jared?” His voice was small.

“It’s not my decision to make.” Jared shook his head slowly.

“It kind of is.

Jared put his hands up in protest.  “Nope…not my blood disorder, not my body.”

“Regardless…If you could choose, what would _you_ do?  What do _you_ want me to do?”

“I don’t know Jen.  I don’t know just like you don’t know.”  Jared sighed and ran a hand through his hair again.  “In a perfect world?  I think I want this baby.  But we live in the real world with very real _complications_ and I want you more than I want the baby.”

“And if I wanted the baby?”  The words felt awkward on his tongue.

“Then we would have a baby.”  Jared smiled and shrugged like it was the simplest conclusion in the world.

Jensen wanted to believe him but he knew the very real staggering odds against that happening.  “What if I can’t?  What if I can’t carry a baby long enough?  Dr. Nardy said he can’t believe I made it to 14 weeks.”

Jared picked up on the self-doubt in Jensen’s tone.  It was something he hadn’t heard in a while but he knew it still resided somewhere behind Jensen’s thick skin.  “I think you could.  Baby, you’ve done anything you set your mind to.  Your blood disorder has been giving you hurdles your whole life and you’ve blown them all away.”  He reached out a hand and stoked the inside of Jensen’s forearm.  “Remember when we were younger and the doctors told your mother you couldn’t play sports?  You turned around and became the best damn athlete in our school while keeping your disorder in check.  Sure there may have been a few hic-ups along the way, but you were too damn stubborn to give up.”  He looked up at Jensen and caught the man’s uncertain expression.  “You have a disorder Jensen but there is nothing _wrong_ with you.  You know just what you’re body is capable of.”

“Sometimes I feel like you are the only person who thinks that.”  He huffed and scooted closer to Jared.  The always lingering pain in his middle flared up, a tension he had grown accustomed to making itself known.  Though he was used to the tight feeling, he knew carrying a growing baby was the reason it was intensifying.  “You do know that just because we decide to have a baby, it doesn’t mean that we will actually end up with one?”

“Yeah, I know.  I heard all the same risks and concerns you did.”

“I might, and probably will, miscarry.”

“I know.  But if you wanted to try, then we try.  I know the odds are against us, but Dr. Nardy didn’t say it was impossible.  And if you do miscarry, then we deal with that.”  Jared tugged Jensen closer.  “And that would be okay too…if you wanted to try but we find out you can’t.”

“And if I want to terminate the pregnancy?”  Jensen pulled upright.

“Then we do that.  We wouldn’t have to worry about miscarriages or your cysts rupturing.  We keep you safe.”  Jared finally reached out pulled Jensen to his chest, lifting up his chin so their bodies fit together almost perfectly.

Jensen collapsed into his husband, curling his body around him.  The baby they had just been debating was sandwiched between their two bodies and he pulled Jared closer.  They stayed like that in silence for ten minutes before Jensen found the courage to speak.  “Jared?”  His voice cracked and he let the tears start falling for the first time.  The moment of complete weakness was the second thing he decided to blame on the baby.

“Yeah?”  He moved his lips against Jensen’s hairline and inhaled his scent.

“I think I want to terminate it.”

****************

Jensen paced the open space in his company’s lunch room.  He opened the small refrigerator _again_ and closed it _again_ just as he had done 4 times before.  None of his other coworkers were in the room as he decided to take an earlier lunch break; the fact that no one could observe his new ritual was a relief.

He opened the door again and eyed the coconut yogurt his coworker had stored there and his stomach growled.  He turned his eyes to the sandwich he prepared that morning and his stomach rolled, making him want to gag.  It made no sense.  He hated coconut, he didn’t even particularly like yogurt.  Why he was _dying_ to get his hands on the small tasty creamy carton of yogurt was beyond him.  Equally confusing was his stomach’s aversion to the sandwich he was practically salivating over 5 hours ago.

And then things clicked into place.  He realized, and had been realizing over the last week, that these food decisions had been taken out of his control.  It was the third things he blamed on the baby.  A basic understanding of pregnancy let Jensen understand that he was craving things because of the baby; like this was the baby’s way of telling him it was there, that it was thriving. 

“Shit.”  Jensen cursed and punched his hand into his palm.  He was set to terminate his pregnancy this weekend, cleared to have an abortion for medical safety, and here was his baby driving him crazy over coconut yogurt, like there weren’t bigger problems in his world.

If only the fetus knew what was on the horizon for it, then maybe it wouldn’t bother with trivial things like making its father crave yogurt, apples, and donuts.  Or maybe it was doing all of this because it was trying to live out the rest of its ‘life’ to its fullest.

The thought of the baby knowing what Jensen had planned made him nauseous.  Who was he to deny his child’s last wishes?  Without thinking further he grabbed the yogurt, making a silent promise to repay his coworker, and fell down at the circular table in the middle of the room.  In one movement he had the carton open and was happily eating spoonful after spoonful of yogurt, little content sighs leaving his mouth.

He polished off the snack quickly and pushed it aside, letting his head fall into his hands.  The yogurt had hit the spot, leaving him happy for the moment.  He braved touching a hand to his stomach, feeling the hidden curve of it press into his palm.  He pants were more than tight, but his blazer hid that fact from most people.  It was a weird feeling to know that his stomach was swollen with more than cysts.  Everything felt tighter than he’d ever felt before, making it hard for him to forget the side profile of his child he had seen over a week ago.  He knew what was growing inside of him and he was going to rip it out just like all the cysts he’s had removed.  Only this removal was permanent, it wouldn’t grow back.

A weird butterfly feeling jolted him out of his dark thoughts.  It wasn’t the familiar twinge of pain he got in his abdomen, nor was it the twitching of muscles.  It was something he never felt before.  His fingers hovered over the spot where he felt the movement deep inside, and just when he thought his mind was playing tricks on him, he felt it again.

“Holy sh-“ He looked down at his middle in surprise.  The fluttering…he didn’t want to let himself think about what it could possibly be.  But he knew it was the baby.  He knew the cramped confines of his womb gave it little space to move around.  The fluttering couldn’t be anything but the baby.

For the second time in fifteen minutes the baby had told Jensen it was here, it was alive, it wanted attention.  Subconsciously Jensen thought that maybe the baby was thanking him for the yogurt but as soon as he realized the thought he closed his mind off too it.

The baby wasn’t supposed to be a person, it was supposed to be a medical decision.  This wasn’t supposed to happen.  But suddenly it _was_ a person, a tiny helpless person who liked yogurt and being the center of attention.

Cursing under his breath, Jensen pulled his cell phone from his pocket and flipped it over several times in his palm.  He was certain that someone else had taken up residence in his brain because without fully committing to the action he had punched in the hospital’s telephone number.  Nervously drumming his fingers on the table, he waited for someone to pick up his call.  Movement caught his attention and he swung his head to see Jared hovering in the doorway, a look of both confusion and concern on his face.  Jared’s eyes darted from his husband, to the yogurt and back to Jensen making him cock his head in bewilderment.  

Jensen was so distracted by his husband that when the receptionist picking up his phone call it caught him off guard and made him jump.  “Umm, hi, hello.”  He cleared his throat.  “My name is Jensen Ackles and I have an appointment this Saturday at 8.  I’m sorry but I am going to have to go ahead and cancel that.”  He swallowed and pressed the phone closer to his ear.  “Reschedule?  Um no, I can’t really reschedule because I’m,” he looked Jared dead in the eyes, speaking to him as much as to the receptionist on the phone, “I’m having a baby.”

*********

In ways, Jensen was considered a high risk pregnancy before he was even pregnant.  Showing up for his first official prenatal check up at over 15 weeks pregnant sent Dr. Nardy and those in his practice into over drive.  It also introduced Jensen to a whole new world of specialists, not that Jensen was a stranger to specialists.

Though no one had exactly tried to talk him out of going through with his pregnancy, they weren’t making it sound like a great idea.  But Jensen was firm in his decision and, true to his word, Jared was sticking by him.

It was a week of becoming a lab rat.  Though accustomed to multitudes of blood tests and exams, Jensen had never gotten used to them.  They still made him feel like he was under a microscope, like everyone was focused on what was wrong with him rather than everything that was right.  Every doctor’s appointment resulted in a list of everything that could go wrong rather than reassurances that it was currently going well.  It was daunting but he couldn’t blame his doctors, they were just covering their own asses. 

They are worried his body is going to fold under the stress of carrying a baby as the pregnancy progresses.  The fetus is still small, there is still room for it to grow, but once it gets cramped things could get difficult.  The fact that his organs are going to be working over time, that there will be more blood pumping through his body, make the doctors worry that he is going to bleed out on any given day.  It could be draining for Jensen but disastrous for the baby.  His blood disorder makes things so complicated because it is an unknown factor.  Disseminated Intravascular Coagulation manifests itself in different ways.  Jensen suffered through horrible bouts of it, resulting in weeks on end of hospital stays, when he was younger.  But lately, he’s been good, only bleeding out if he pushed himself too hard.  Dr. Nardy said he is about to push himself a lot harder than he’s ever before.  They are expecting blood, they just don’t know whose blood it will be.  If the disorder cuts off blood flow to Jensen’s reproductive system it is game over.

Things are proceeding as normal today but tomorrow his kidneys could give out or his stomach might not get enough blood flow.  Just because he isn’t clotting doesn’t mean he won’t.  At 15 weeks he still has 25 to go.  They don’t say it out loud but Jensen knows none of his doctors actually think he’ll make it that far.  They are shooting for getting him to 30 weeks.  Jensen is shooting for tomorrow, and when he gets there he will shoot for the day after that.

But still, sometimes Jensen thinks Jared is the only one who pays attention to any positive fact.  His husband makes a big point of celebrating little mile stones:  16 weeks and still pregnant;  17 weeks and the cysts appear to be the same size as 16 weeks;  Jensen’s blood isn’t clotting; his organs aren’t in distress; there isn’t bleeding anywhere.  Jared celebrates all these things.

Their miracle baby is still growing, still making Jensen consume anything and everything coconut related.  Jared is happy to provide him with whatever he is craving because it gives him something to do.

Through the last few weeks of doctors appointment Jensen has sensed Jared’s feeling of being an outsider looking in.  Jared can’t do anything but watch his husband.  Only, he does so much more than he realizes.  He is the only person who still treats Jensen like _Jensen_.  When they are home, and it is just the two of them, the fact that he is pregnant does not define him.  It is the purest sense of calm; there is no talk of blood and complications, just conversations about coming to terms with the fact that their lives have taken a sharp change of direction. 

Their families aren’t as calm about their decision.  They are back to treating Jensen like he’ll break.  It’s not that they don’t want to support the couple’s decisions, it is that they are afraid to get their hopes up only to be let down in the end.  Jared’s parents are better about it, but Jensen’s mother is by far the worst.  She cried for three days before she could see Jensen face to face, she still sees a sick little boy when she looks at her son and she’s convinced she will lose him.  Ultrasound pictures help, but really they just give her another being to worry about.

Jared makes him feel like everything is going to work out, like he can actually do this.  It’s the same feeling Jared gave him when he was confined to a hospital bed one week prior to their wedding.  Jared knew he would rally and we able to marry him on the day they took months to plan.  He said Jensen was too stubborn to let his disorder make that decision for him.  His husband was right, he was released from the hospital two days later and four days after that was suited up in his tuxedo and strong enough to keep up with Jared all night. 

He made Jensen believe that his body could handle this.  If they were shooting for 30 weeks of gestation then he was over halfway there.

But when he went into labor a week later, all the confidence he felt dropped away in the first realization that he was having full blown contractions.

The pain was intense, making the omnipresent soreness of his middle worse.  The contractions were unsettling to say the least, but the thought of what they could mean left him panicked.

At 18 weeks Jensen only looked pregnant if you knew he was.  It’s probably the reason the nurse at the check-in station of labor and delivery gave him a funny look. 

Jensen got angry when she finally did believe him but told him that he should try to admit himself to the regular ER because labors earlier than 20 weeks are considered miscarriages.  In a way she was saying that if something was wrong then there was no chance of the baby surviving, thus no reason for labor and delivery.

Before Jensen could say anything, Jared lashed out in a verbal rant so intense that it surprised Jensen.  Jared abandoned his rant midway through when a contraction ran though Jensen causing him to yell out and clutch onto the younger man for support.

Eventually the confusion is cleared when Dr. Nardy takes over and explains that this is a situation they have been preparing for and Jensen is a special case. 

They get him situated in a room, start him on a round of Magnesium Sulfate, and monitor the hell out of him.  If Jensen thought he was a lab rat weeks ago, he was mistaken.  He has so many _things_ attached to his body that he is afraid to move. 

They catch Jensen’s labor early enough to stop it without any lingering side effects.  The contractions carry on for several more hours but they taper off as the treatment takes effect.  They eventually stop but he isn’t in the clear yet.

He hears Jared making sure everyone in the room knows Jensen is their number one priority, the baby is second.  This fact reaffirms just how much Jensen knew Jared loved him but for the first time it is also scary.  This situation is the first time he has actually come close to losing the baby.  Knowing he could lose the baby and actually coming close to doing so are two very different things and it changes everything for Jensen.

He’s determined to fight harder.

Only he is going to have to do that fighting laying down because when he is released from the hospital, four days later, it is on strict bed rest with bathroom privileges.  He gives word to his job that he has to go on medical leave and faithfully follows his doctor’s orders.

One year ago he probably wouldn’t have been such a good patient.

But one year ago the only person he could harm was himself.

His sudden responsible nature is the fourth thing he blames on the baby.

*****************

Two weeks after the doctors successfully stopped his labor, Jensen woke up in the middle of the night.  Always being a light sleeper made visiting with this time of night a normal occurrence. There was a tightness in his middle that landed just on the wrong side of discomfort. It was enough to destroy any thoughts of getting several more hours of sleep.  
  
Jared was still sleeping, passed out on his back with one arm over the pillow his hair was fanning across.  
  
Slowly, in an attempt to stop the bed from shifting, he pushed himself off the bed and padded towards the bathroom.  Standing made the pain worse rather than better, his rounded middle clenched. "Sorry for the cramped accommodations kid."  
  
He ran a hand over the exposed flesh of his belly.  It had grown considerably over the last few weeks, almost as if it was trying to prove something once its fathers knew of its existence.  He didn't plan for this baby, he didn't even plan on planning for a baby, but his child was set on sticking around.  It had taken a few weeks to get on board with the change of events but...he wanted…The thoughts had a hard time coming to him and he had a hard time believing he was thinking them.  He winced as the baby he'd finally gotten around to wanting wholly shifted and his muscles tightened up.

"Shit."

Jensen remembered that feeling. He caught himself on the edge of the sink, knees giving as the pain rolled over him again.  It shocked the breath out of him, making him have to focus in order to stand again.

When he was upright, still using the sink for support, he felt something warm trickle down his leg. The fact sent shivers down his spine. It took some maneuvering to stay supported, but Jensen got his sleep pants and underwear pulled down enough to reveal a thin trail of blood coursing down the inside of his thigh. It wasn't a lot but his middle tightened again and the stream intensified.

"Jared!"

The panicked feeling overflowed from his brain, making clear thinking impossible. His fingers slipped from the sink and he landed on the toilet seat, eyes staring at the redness of the blood.

"Jared!"  He curled his hands around his middle in a futile attempt to protect what was inside.

"Jen?"  Jared appeared at the bathroom's doorway, eyes still sleepy but borrowing the false wakefulness adrenaline brings.

"I'm bleeding." His words were flat, eyes darting up to Jared's like a frightened animal.

Jared surveyed the situation, eyes falling on Jensen's semi-disrobed state and bloody mess coming from between his legs. "Bleeding from...?" It was a question he needn't ask or have answered.  He falls to his knees faster than Jensen can comprehend, hands digging through the cabinet under the sink. "It's okay."

Jensen knows the words are a band-aid statement, but he appreciates them. It's not the first time Jared has found him bleeding in the bathroom but it is the first time there is something more fragile at stake.  They don't acknowledge that, Jared tending to Jensen just as he has done in the past. It is a quick routine of cleaning the blood away and applying gauze pads before anymore redness seeps out and makes Jensen vomit.

It is almost easy to forget that this isn't like all the other times he's bled out. But then his middle contracts again in a way he's only felt once before. He lets out a cry without realizing it and repeats his earlier statement. "I'm bleeding."

"I know."  Jared finishes his work, looking greener than he's ever looked after dealing with the blood. He is scared, more scared than maybe even Jensen.  But he holds it together. He gets Jensen into a clean pair of pants and then gets him in the car.

Somewhere along the way Jensen kept it together enough to call his doctor to let him know they were heading to the hospital. He hangs up just as another contraction rips through him. Despite the gauze, he knows he is bleeding again. He wants to throw up almost as much as he wants to crawl out of his skin.

He makes a mewing sound and Jared, keeping one hand white knuckled on the steering wheel, grabs Jensen's hand, fingers curling into his palm to rub the middle, just as he's always done.  "You're doing good. You're okay."

"You don't...I..." Jensen cringes and grabs onto Jared.  "The baby..." he doesn't finish the thought because he doesn't know how to. He is afraid to even think of the worst case scenario for fear that he will create a self fulfilling prophecy. "You don't know."

"And neither do you. I'm not going to think about anything yet.  You just keep doing what you are doing."

Jared is looking at him with all the faith in the world, like Jensen cannot do any wrong. From the beginning he has been so certain of Jensen's ability to do this.  Maybe if he had as much confidence in himself then he wouldn't be having what he assumed was a miscarriage.

A sharp pain draws him out of his "what ifs" and "maybes".  He looks at Jared, pain only letting him get two words out, "Drive faster."

**************************

This visit to the hospital is almost an exact repeat of the first time he went into preterm labor, only the blood adds a new element.

Once hooked up to machines and monitors again, an I.V. in his vein pumping him full of treatments to stop the contractions, the doctors can deal with the bleeding.

He hasn't miscarried, not yet. The doctor on call made sure of that before starting any other procedures. There is a heartbeat.

But now he gets to see what is going on inside him. The contractions are still crashing into him but they are slowing.  An ultrasound tech he's never seen before, which is a small feat on its own, appears in the room.  His opinion of her banks solely on what she has to tell him.

"Hi Mr. Ackles, I'm Cara.  Your doctor told you I was coming in to check on you right?" Cara flashed a smile and starting fiddling with the ultrasound cart.

Jensen nodded dumbly.  "I've never seen you before."

"I primarily deal with extremely high risk pregnancies.  And since it looks like this is your first one, I'm not surprised we haven't met."  She smiled again.

"Oh." It was the only response Jensen had. He wrongly assumed Cara was an ordinary ultrasound technician.  “You’re a doctor?”

Cara nodded.  “Dr. Riley but you can just call me Cara, okay?  Dr. Riley is my mom…and my dad.  But that is another story.”  She shifted her weight and held up the transducer.  “Let's see what's going on inside you, shall we?"  Her voice was kind, understanding in a way that made Jensen drop all his guardedness.

Nodding again, Jensen grabbed Jared's hand. There had been so much blood earlier that he was almost certain what Cara had to say wouldn't be positive.

"Okay. You seem to know the routine." She flicked the monitor on and grabbed a bottle of gel. "This'll be cold, I’m sure you’re used to that." It took her a moment but she applied a generous amount of gel to Jensen's belly and ran the transducer through it searchingly.

The familiar images of his insides manifested on the screen Jensen's eyes were glued to.  Only, they looked different, more cramped and swollen. His eyes flashed to Jared's before he let out the breath he was holding when he saw the baby.

Cara smirked at her patient's reaction.  She pointed to the screen. "I take it you know what that is?"

Swallowing, Jensen nodded again. He was almost quivering with nerves. The baby rolled, moving more in that moment than Jensen thought capable. After rolling again it settled with its legs tucked up against its body. "Little frog." The words leave his mouth in a whisper.

Sensing the man's nervousness, Cara tried to lighten the situation, focusing on something positive before delving into the more serious. "You're pretty good at reading these things."

"You have as many as I’ve had and you pick up a few things." Jensen points to the screen with his non-I.V. hand, fingers trembling. "That's an arm stretching out and one fist balled up by its nose." He paused and made a vague gesture to the area surrounding the baby. "And that is my extremely fucked up body killing my child."

"Woah, Mr. Ackles -"

"Jensen."

Cara tilted her head in acknowledgement. "Jensen then.  Nothing is killing your baby and, if I have it my way, we are going to keep it that way."

The words sink in slowly. Nothing is killing his child...yet.  He looks up at Jared, 1000 emotions exuding from him all at once.

Jared doesn't need him to explain. "I know."

"Look.  Baby is fine." Cara rolled the transducer over the curve of Jensen's belly in silence for a moment. "Do you two know what you are having?"

"No." Jared squinted at the screen, trying to see it as clearly as his husband.

"Do you want to know?"

Knowing there will always be the chance that he'll never get to meet his child, Jensen needs this moment. The night has been full of horrors, and probably promises more to come, but he needs this one normal moment of happiness. He hopes that comes across in the look he gives Jared when he whispers only loud enough for his husband to hear. "I want to know."

Jared kisses his forehead, lingering there for a moment. "Yeah, we want to know."

"Well, there is nothing wrong with your little girl. The bleeding isn't -"

"Girl?" Jared is almost speechless, becoming a complete cliché of the moment.

"Yes, girl." She pauses the image and points to something. "See, right here.  What? You can't tell for yourselves?" It is a weak attempt at a joke but it cuts the tension.

Jensen couldn't see how Cara made the gender decision, but he doesn't care. Shit just got more real and he is already more determined to protect his daughter.

Cara refocused herself, going back to watching the monitor and studying the area around the baby. "Anyway, as I was saying, the bleeding isn't coming from the baby. She is fine. The amniotic sac is still intact too. But it is getting a little tight in there.  The pregnancy and baby’s growth are putting a lot of stress on your body, hence the early onset of contractions. The hormones running through you are also causing your cysts to grow larger than expected. The contractions ruptured one.  It looks like it is under control now but it bled freely for a while.  The contractions caused the bleeding, not the other way around.”

“Oh…”  Jensen watches his daughter move and swears he can feel each stretch inside. 

“So what does that all mean exactly?”  Jared looks down at Jensen practically crushing his hand from worry.   “What do we do now?”

“It means you two better get comfortable.  Jensen isn’t going anywhere until your daughter is born.  Other than that, there isn’t a whole lot else we can do.  We wait and manage your issues as they arise.”

 “She’s okay though?”  Jensen watches the monitor to observe his daughter wiggling against a cyst free side of his uterus.

“Yes, fine.  Right on track. I don’t love how crowded she is in there, but she looks fine.”  Cara flipped a Doppler switch and took a moment to listen to her heartbeat.  “Her heart beat is good too.  It’s a little fast but given the circumstances I’d say that is to be expected.”

“Okay…so bed rest.  I can do that.”  Jensen met Cara’s eyes.  “Do you think you can move the wand up a little higher, I want to see her face better.”

Raising one eyebrow at the request, Cara laughed.  “Sure thing.  But then you, your husband and I are going to have a serious conversation about how we are expecting to handle the rest of your pregnancy.  Deal?”  She offered her free hand towards Jensen.

“Deal.”  Grabbing Cara’s hand, Jensen shook firmly before the woman filled his request.  He watched her pick up the side of the baby’s face, nose sloping gently away from her face.  “Oh god Jared, she has your nose.”

It was the first thing he blamed on Jared during his pregnancy, but he couldn’t blame the baby, that decision was out of her hands.

*********************

"What the hell is this?" Jensen flips through a handful of paperwork some asshole who worked at the hospital brought him to look over.

Clearly accustomed to getting screamed at, the man barely flinched. "They are bills for your medical expenses so far."

Jensen squinted at the papers and cocked his head. "Our medical insurance should cover more than that." He shoved the papers towards the man's face. "Here, look. They didn't cover anything from two days ago.  Try resubmitting them.”  He’s been admitted for the hospital for over two weeks so he was expected a large bill, but not that large.

“We tried Mr. Ackles.  But the problem isn’t your insurance company.  They are covering all the treatments we are giving you to keep you healthy but they aren’t going to cover any procedures that are for the baby.”

“Why the hell not?”  Jensen snarled.

“Because the state doesn’t consider a fetus viable until 25 weeks, until then they are not seen a people covered by medical insurance.”

Jensen can tell it pains the man to deliver that news but he doesn’t care.  He’s immediately angry and there is no one else to take his anger out on.  “What?!”

Jared chooses that moment to sprint into the room.  He’s still in his work clothes but is later than usual.  Jensen is gathering the reason why is the bag of snacks he had tucked under his arm.  “What is going on in here?”

Flustered, Jensen tried to find a place to start.  Being confined to a bed made him frustrated that he couldn’t get up and strangle the man telling him his child wasn’t a person.  Clearly that man had no idea how much he felt his child move, how much of a personality his daughter already have.  How does someone who is not a person crave coconut non-stop and like the sound of Jared’s voice?  How?

“This man…”  He trailed off and wagged the hospital bills at Jared.  “Our insurance isn’t covering a lot of my treatments over the past week.”  Huffing he tried to figure out how to proceed.  Glaring at the man who was starting to get agitated, he threw the papers at him.  “You know what?  Why don’t you just tell him what you told me 2 minutes ago?”

“Tell me what?”  Jared bent to pick up the papers scattered at the stranger’s feet and looked over them without really deciphering anything.

“Um, sir, I was just telling your husband here that since the state doesn’t consider a fetus younger than 25 weeks of gestation viable that your insurance isn’t going to cover any of the fees for anything submitted that has to do with its health rather than your husband’s health.”  He cleared his throat and rocked on his heels.

Jared looked at the man like he was crazy.  He practically spit out his response.  “ _It_ is a girl and she is going to be viable if you keep providing the care our doctors are recommending.”

“In the eyes of the state she isn’t.  She’s not considered a person.  Now I know that is hard to hear but…”

Jensen cut him off with a yell.  “Not a person?  Don’t you dare say she isn’t a person.  I wouldn’t be risking my life to protect something that isn’t a person.”  He pushed himself up straighter in bed and leaned forward.  “Fuck you.  How dare you.”

Jared abandoned glaring at the younger man and turned his attention towards his husband.  “Jen, you need to calm down.”

“How? How can I calm down Jared?  He’s telling me that our daughter isn’t considered important enough to save, that our insurance won’t cover anything she needs, and she is going to need a lot more help.  That help is expensive.  How are we going to afford that?  I’m not working, you’re working yourself to the bone…How are we going to afford this?”  His breathing picked up, anger making the tension in his body intensify.  He squeezed his eyes together before letting a tear eek out.  He felt trapped and couldn’t see any solution.

“Shh, Jen.  We’ll figure something out.”  Jared sat on the edge of the bed and wiped away the man’s tear with the pad of his thumb.  “We’ll make it work.  It doesn’t matter how much it costs, we’ll get her what she needs.”

Jensen gasped down a breath, trying to let Jared’s words sooth his tears but the phrase the hospital employee had said before echoed in his head.  _Not viable_.  Even the state was certain that his child wouldn’t survive.  It really was him and Jared against the world at this point.  “She’s a person.”

The younger man piped up again.  He had gathered the bills Jensen scattered and deposited them on a vacant chair in the corner of the room.  “I didn’t mean to make you feel that was my personal opinion.  It is just my job to alert you as to what is going on with your insurance.  It’s just a policy.”

“Well it’s a stupid policy.”  Jensen pulled away from Jared and narrowed his eyes at the messenger.  He was angry, angry that this idiot had the power to destroy the sense of calm and confidence he had been building.  He felt the effects of his anger start taking a toll on his body, knew his hand was shaking without looking at it.  “I get to decide what is going on inside of me, not you.  And she’s a person.”  His voice picked up in volume as he went on.

“Jen…”  Jared’s tone was full of warning.

“I decide.  Not you!”  Jensen practically growled the last part.  He crossed his arms over his chest just as a machine started blinking and an alarm blared though the room.

Almost relieved to have an out, the young employee darted towards the door.  “I’m going to go get someone.”  He made a swift exit but his search for help wasn’t needed because a pair of nurses swept into the room at almost the same moment.

“Jensen, what did you go and do sweetie?”  The older of the two nurses went to the machine making noise, switched off the sound and read a print out from it.  “Shoot.  You’re blood pressure is sky high.”

Though he looked panicked to begin with, Jensen’s anxiety increased.  “Shit.  I’m such an idiot.”  Jensen let his head fall forward into his hands.  He should have known better than to let some idiot upset him, but helplessness the man instilled made him feel cornered and his fight or flight reflex had kicked in.

The younger nurse came over to Jensen, giving him a quick once over.  “How are you feeling?”

“Fine.  Well I feel the same as yesterday.  Lingering soreness in my middle but everything else feels fine.”

“We’re going to go get one of the doctors assigned to your case.  We don’t want to leave anything to chance.  You sit tight.”  She put one a honed smile and pattered out of the room.

Jensen shrugged.  “Not like I’m going anywhere.”

It doesn’t take long before Jensen is a lab rat again.  Jared looks like he is about to crumble under all the information being thrown at him and the worry consuming his facial expressions.  The high blood pressure is bad, and not just because he is pregnant.  It’s bad because with DIC it could cause any of his organs to bleed out.  He’s pretty much 23 weeks pregnant and he knows he or the baby can’t handle anymore stresses on his body.

They know they are in trouble when the medical staff can't get Jensen's blood pressure stabilized.  It's erratic all night which it is why it isn't a surprise when Jensen goes into labor for a third time later that evening.

**************

Jensen knows the drill the third time around. He is prepared for the onslaught of doctors and needles and medication.  He is still scared as hell, Jared too, but he doesn’t need any explanations.  He’s prepared for it all.

They play the waiting game.

He expects the treatments to work like the last two times, only they don't

His contractions keep coming, getting stronger and more unbearable as the night ticks on. It’s the worst he’s ever felt, even worse than when he was losing what he thought was half his blood supply. 

Cara comes in to check on him but mostly to reassure him that they will get this under control, he's not having a baby tonight.  Her presence is a relief; other than Jared, she’s the only person Jensen considers a friend in his pregnancy.

When she does an ultrasound she frowns. Jensen can tell it is because the baby is head down and nestled near his cervix. Knowing Jensen can read the ultrasound images almost as well as she can makes all false pretenses drop away.  She never sugar coats things for Jensen but she has a way of making him see the bright side.  This time she can’t seem to find that side.

This labor is instantly more serious than the others.  Jensen knows his daughter's chance of survival is dismal if she comes now.

They try other options, other I.V. drips, but his labor still carries on. They decide to try Indocin, the side effects a much better option than any of the complications his daughter would face if they let the labor progress.  The fact that Jensen isn't dilating is on their side for now and the doctors give the Indocin time to work. It leaves him and Jared with an odd moment of privacy and hoping.

Jensen moans before internalizing any further utterances of pain and discomfort. He has bigger things to worry about than how he is feeling. He'll take all the pain and more if it means the baby is okay. He's been through worse.

"Does it hurt a lot?" Jared is at his side, giving him space to breathe but sitting close enough to lend support.

"Not all the time. You know my pain tolerance is higher than most.”  Shifting his weight, he ran a hand over his middle in an attempt to sooth the pain.  “Carrying her always hurts."  He let out a hiss.  "Hurts more right now though."

Jared's eyes exuded a sadness at his inability to alleviate the pain. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be.  It's okay. We're going to be okay.  Right?" Jensen sighed and continued to rub the tight muscles in his middle.

"Yeah..." Jared's reassurance was weak, betraying his real thoughts.

Jensen saw through it right away. Despite being overcome with worry for Jensen, Jared was having some other internal struggle of his own. "What?"

"What if we made a mistake Jen? What if this wasn't meant to happen?  I mean...you are trying so hard, we both are, and look what it is doing to you!  I don't...I don't wanna lose you baby and I am afraid of what is going to happen to you if we keep doing," he made a gesture towards all the medical equipment in the room, "this." He leaned forward and grabbed Jensen's hand. "For the first time I am really scared Jensen."

Jensen fought to stay out of a cloud of pain so he could understand his husband's words. "I'm really scared too Jay." He squeezed Jared's hand. "Really scared."

"Well then you're better at holding it together."

"Maybe right now.  But when I was bleeding out the first time I went to pieces. You held it together better that time.  You took care of me…you always do."

"It doesn't mean I wasn't scared for you or the baby." Jared circled his thumb on the inside of Jensen's palm.  “You take care of me too, you know that.”

Jensen was quiet a moment, concentrating on nothing but Jared's touch. "You want this baby?"

"Very much. I didn't know I could want her so much. But I don't want her at your expense." Jared tightened his grip on Jensen's hand.

Bringing Jared's hand to his lips, Jensen dropped a small kiss to it. "I love you Jared. And you can remind me of this if I ever say otherwise, but I am really glad I am doing this with you. I don't care how many needles or medications or complications I have to endure. I want to have our baby, Jared."

"Even after all this?  Even with all the pain? Even with the odds stacked against us?"

"Even with all of those things. I still want to do this. Tell me we can still do this."

The world hit Jared hard; Jensen doesn’t always search for reassurance so blatantly.  "God I love you." Jared leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his husband's lips. He cupped both hands on the sides of the man's face and kissed him a little deeper before pulling away enough to speak. "If that's what you want, what we both want, then we can do this. You always find a way to get what you want."

"Got you, didn't I?" Jensen smiled and leaned forward to kiss Jared once again.

Voice barely above a whisper, Jared sighed happily. "Yeah, you got me alright." He let his hands drop to Jensen's rounded belly.

He kept their heads close together.  “I’m sorry I started this whole labor mess.  I should have stopped myself but that asshole made me so mad.”

Jared paused and pressed his lips to the side.  “You don’t believe what he said, do you?  You can’t believe that.  She’s going to be fine.  You need to think that.”

Jensen smiled, happy that his attempt to reassure his husband also wound up reassuring him as well.  "We're a good team. We can get through this. And our daughter can too." He smiled but it melted away as he stiffened when a stronger jolt of pain ripped through him. "Son of a bitch."

Jared hopped off the bed. "You need me to call a nurse?"

"No...no, I think I am okay. Just give me a minute." Jensen closed his eyes and tried to will the pressure in his belly away. He gasped when it intensified. "Damn it."

"Jen?"

He was about to open his eyes to answer Jared but another contraction took hold. This time it didn't ease up until he felt a warm gush of liquid on his thigh. Brain still hazy from the pain, Jensen collected himself enough to think about what that meant. He was bleeding again. "Shit!" He pulled the blankets aside and was met by a warm splotch of something semi transparent.

Blood would have been better.

"Jen?" Jared is hovering over him trying to make sense of the situation. "Shit, Jensen.  Your water broke."

"Jared, can you -" Jensen’s breath hitched in panic and his stomach dropped out, " - can you call the doctor now?"

*************

The staff on call hoped it had only been a partial abruption but a quick exam told them Jensen's amniotic sack had broken completely.

In an odd change of events his labor actually stalled and stayed stopped. So while they had solved one problem, they had to deal with a completely new one.

"What is that for?" Jared hovered protectively beside Jensen, stopping the nurse from injecting Jensen with what looked to be an intimidating needle.

"Relax sweetie, no one is going to hurt him." The nurse stepped back to let Jared calm down. "I thought someone explained this to you." She gave both exhausted men a sympathetic smile. "It is an antibiotic to prevent Jensen from developing an infection. Without the amniotic sac Jensen and the baby are more prone to bacteria and infection. We are going to keep Jensen on some heavy duty antibiotics until he delivers."

"He has a blood disorder, DIC, he's not great with antibiotics." Jared was jittery, eyes darting around the room to make sure everyone was on board with the injection.

"Jay, they know." Jensen, an energy-drained lump on the bed, looked up at him.

"Whatever complications the antibiotic causes are nothing in comparison to the infection that can set in. Don't worry sweetie, we'll monitor them closely, okay?" She paused and waited for Jared to give her room to work. Once the taller man moved aside she made quick work of completing the injection and disappeared out of the room.

She was replaced by Dr. Nardy, only just arriving after being paged when Jensen's water first broke. He greeted the two men before looking over Jensen's charts and vitals. After some time he came to stand at Jensen's bedside.

"I know you are tired Jensen but we need to talk."

"Is she okay?" Jensen pushed himself up, his middle still sore from laboring.

"For now."

"How long will she stay okay?"

"That's a difficult question to answer. You can safely have a dry pregnancy for 4 weeks or so, after that you are risking complications with her growth, her joints, almost everything. She can't move around much anymore. But delivering earlier comes with its own complications. If she was born now she has almost no chance of survival. A full 23 weeks and you are up to 17%. 24 weeks gives you 32% chance of survival. Best case situation we are looking at is trying to get you to 26 weeks, it gives her a 50% chance. If you can go longer, that is great but we have to weigh the options. We were aiming for 30 weeks but the good that would do for her might be overshadowed from being in utero for so long without amniotic fluid.  Plus you need to account for permanent disabilities.  Asking me to give you a definite answer on this is impossible."

"What does it mean for Jensen?" Jared got to his feet, arms crossed over his chest.

"More discomfort. Even stricter bed rest.  It is going to put some more stress on his body.  But it shouldn't affect him much differently; unless of course, his blood disorder acts up. There is absolutely no bleeding now, so we want to keep it that way."

"So I should expect more of the same then?" Jensen raised an eyebrow and trailed his fingers over his middle.  Attitude back in place, Jensen relied on acting like everything would be okay in order to believe that it actually would be.

"This is serious Jensen.  We are looking at longer lasting complications, impaired brain development, the list goes on."

"Do I look like I'm not taking this seriously?" Jensen curled his lip in distaste.

"No, but I need you to understand what you are getting yourself into if you want to keep this baby."

"We know.  You just keep him pregnant and keep her safe and we'll deal with the rest." Jared placed a reassuring hand on Jensen's shoulder.

"We're trying. We all want a best case scenario." The doctor rubbed his temples briefly before meeting then men's stares again.

"And what would that be?" The pregnant man placed his hand over Jared's.

"Anywhere after 25 weeks, but I am aiming for 28.  It gives her the best chance.  But it's going to be a hard mark to hit."

Setting his jaw, Jensen snorted. He didn't want to think about staggering odds or missed marks. It only made him more determined.  Everyone was right; he was too stubborn to think that he couldn’t do something just because it was difficult.  "Just get me to 28 weeks."

******************

Jared came into Jensen’s hospital room to find his husband rolling an ultrasound transducer around his stomach, completely fixated on the screen it was hooked up to.

“Hey.”

Jensen perked up, lips curling into a smile as he turned to meet his husband.  “Oh hey!”

“What are you doing?”  Jared took several steps into the room and placed the bag containing Jensen’s dinner on a small table.  He could tell by the smile on his husband’s face that this was one of his good days.

Cara shifted her weight and planted one hand on her hip.  “Hi Jared.”  She smiled and gestured towards Jensen with her head.  “Hot stuff over here thinks he can do my job better than me.”

“Oh really?”  Jared returned the woman’s smile, happy she was here.  Cara had a way of being a brief ray of sunshine in the otherwise gloomy road of Jensen’s pregnancy.  Though her job was a serious one, she always made Jensen feel like it was his show.

Jensen rolled his eyes and went back to studying his child.  “Cara said I could give it a go since I’ve gotten pretty good at reading these things.”

“Yeah, he’s going to put me out of work.”  Cara laughed and studied the images on the screen.  “Go a little lower Jensen.  Okay, stop right there.”

“Little frog.”  Jensen smiled at the image of his daughter with her legs pulled up tight against her chest.  “She likes hanging out like that.  It makes her looks like a little frog.”

Jared came down to sit beside Jensen and ran a hand across the back of his neck, fingertips lovingly scratching at the base of his hairline.  “She does kind of look like a little frog.”

“Fuck.”  Jensen cursed, seeing something Jared couldn’t.  “She’s got absolutely no room in there.”  He gestured to the left side of the screen with his free hand.

Cara frowned.  “Move a little to the left Jensen.”  She watched the image on the screen scroll and her frown increased.  “Yeah, she’s pretty cramped.  I don’t like the rate things have swelled in your uterus.”

Jared focused on the screen along with the other two people.  “Let me guess, there isn’t anything we can do about it though.”

Nodding sympathetically, “Yeah, sorry.  I wish there was.  We’re just going to have to monitor it.”  Cara  put her hand on Jensen’s knee.  “But trust me, knowing about it is much better than being surprised with it later on.”

“Yeah.  I know.”  Jensen sighed and rolled the transducer back so he could look at his daughters scrunched up from.  Seeing her made his smile return.  When he went to move the wand, Cara placed her hand on his to stop him.

“Wait a minute there Jensen.”

Jensen pulled a confused face and tried to see what Cara was seeing.  “Why?  What’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong.  I just want to check out her legs and their position.”  She grabbed the wand from Jensen and pressed more firmly.  “You’re right, they are tucked up like this a lot.”

“Is that bad?”  Jared may have difficultly seeing everything else on the ultrasound screen but he had become accustomed to making out his daughter’s form.

“Not bad.  Not yet.”  She hummed and then gave control of the transducer back to Jensen.  “I just want to keep tabs on her joints.  If she is like that all the time because she has no room it could affect her hips and joint development.  But she’s okay right now.”

“Oh trust me, she moves her legs.”  Jensen raised one eyebrow.

“She kicking you?”  Cara smiled.

Jensen didn’t need to answer, because the kick his daughter just gave him was depicted on the screen.  He winced, but smiled through it before holding the transducer out to Cara.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”  Cara returned the smile as she grabbed the tool and helped Jensen wipe of his gel smeared belly.  “She hurting you?”

“She’s always hurting me.”  Jensen’s face contorted, like he wished his words didn’t come out the way they had.  “What I mean is that I’m always hurting.  It’s not her fault.  But when she kicks it is shocking.  It’s like she knows not to kick too hard though, like she doesn’t want to rupture anything.  Sound crazy?”

“I don’t know.  I’ve heard crazier.”  Cara finished unhooking the ultrasound cart and propped her hip against it.  “You just keep telling her to be gentle and I think we’ll be in the clear.”  She looked at her watch briefly before sighing.  “Okay, now I have to go do my _real_ job.  I’ll come back to say good night later.  You hang in there hot stuff.”  She winked at the man before heading towards the door.  “See you later Jared.  You take care of him.”

“Planning on it.”  Jared smiled and nodded a goodbye.

“And remember what I said, ‘push present’.  Think about it.  You deserve something good.”  She smiled again before leaving.

“Push present?”  Jared raised both eyebrows at Jensen’s laughter.

“Don’t worry about it.”  He let his laughter die off before peeking around Jared’s shoulder.  “What’s in the bag?”

“Some things.”  Jared was being mockingly vague.  He got up and fished out a small carton of yogurt.  “Coconut yogurt.”

“Wow, you do love me.”  Jensen greedily accepted the treat and made quick work of snacking on it.

“I also got you some dinner from the restaurant down the street and this,”  he pulled out a stuffed teddy bear holding an envelope.  “It’s from the people at the office.”

Jensen put his yogurt to the side and reached out for the bear, his hands working to pull the envelope open.  Dozens of gift cards spilled out onto his lap along with a card signed by all of their coworkers.  He picked up a card and realized it was for hundreds of dollars.  He picked up another and it was the same thing.  “Jay…this…this is way too generous.”

The amounts stunned Jared too.  “I knew they were collecting money but…wow.”  He thumbed through the pile.  There were cash cards, supermarket gift cards, and cards from various baby specialty stores.  “They heard about our issue with our insurance a few weeks ago and they wanted to help out.  They thought we could use a little assistance getting ready for the baby but this is way too much.”

Jensen stopped reading the card and looked up at Jared, turning the card towards him.  “That is what they thought we would think.  They wrote so right here.”  He smirked and gathered the cards into a neat pile.  “This is amazing.  It was very thoughtful of them to put this together and be so generous.”

Jared took the gift as Jensen held it out to him and put it aside so he could slide closer to Jensen.  “Jen?”

“Hmm?”  Jensen tilted his head up.

“You’re 25 weeks.”

The fact had not escaped him but hearing it spoke out loud made it more real.  “I am, aren’t I?”

“Yep.”  Jared leaned closer and pressed a kiss to Jensen’s soft smile.  “She’s viable.”

“She was before.”

“Well now the state thinks so too.”  He curled his hand around Jensen’s and ran a line of kisses across Jensen’s face.  “I’m really proud of you and incredibly thankful.”

Jensen pulled Jared’s face away far enough so he could look at him, keeping both hands on the sides of his face.  “I didn’t really do anything.”

“You did _everything_.”  He closed the gap between them and met his husband’s lips again.  “Everything.”

***************

The next week passed uneventfully until the very end.  Jensen was on a daily regimen of medications to keep his labor stalled but it didn’t stop him from having moments of contractions.

It made him miserable.

With Jared at work all day he was uncomfortable, bored, and lonely.  There was only so much one could read or watch.  Thankfully the hospital staff took pity on him and on weekdays when Jared wasn’t around they spent extra time hiding out in his room.  Of course it was under the guise of actually working, and while the hospital might disagree, Jensen considered keeping him sane a very noteworthy job.

Sometimes Cara spent her lunch break in his room too, never coming empty handed.  It was a good thing Jensen’s sugar levels weren’t a problem because Cara was becoming synonymous with coconut chocolate bars. 

She was by far his favorite.  His other visitors were sweet and prone to friendly conversation but they still looked at him as the patient.  There was nothing wrong with that, but Jensen hated being a patient, he hated having all his weaknesses on display for everyone.  Cara didn’t give him that feeling.  She treated him like an equal, like he was just a person who happened to be in a bed and could get up any time he wanted to.  The façade was comforting, even though Jensen’s rational mind knew it for what it was.

She even let him take the reins again when she needed to check on his little frog of a daughter at the end of the week.  He had gotten better at seeing things through Cara’s eyes, pointing out exactly what elements of his scan were concerning her.  The baby’s legs were naturally tucked against her chest, but they stretched out every so often.  As cute as her ‘froggy legs’ were, Jensen wished there was a way he could give her more room.  Cara did too.  She had gone from simply monitoring the baby’s joints to having a higher level of concern from them.

In down times without Jared he let himself flip through a book of baby names his parents brought them.  He avoided it for the most part because he didn’t want to jinx anything, like naming someone whose survival was less than 50% was the same as counting your chicken before they’ve hatched.  It is the same reason he and Jared put off buying anything for their daughter.  There was plenty of time to do that.  Right now all their energies were reserved for bringing her safely into the world.

So he usually only has the courage to flip through it for 5 minutes or so, always stopping at the same handful of names.  He circles them but doesn’t bring them up to Jared, afraid that speaking them out loud will start a chain reaction.

At 26 weeks he starts bleeding.  He wakes in the morning to a twinge and the feeling of something wet against his upper thighs.  It’s not the same heavy stream of blood that he experienced the first time this happened, but it is enough to make his heart race.  Jared is at work, a place he _really_ needs to be considering their financial situation.  Jensen knows he’ll drop everything and come to his side the moment he makes a phone call to him.  He wants his husband desperately but forces himself to wait and see what the doctors say.

He’s not contracting, and the baby’s heart rate and vitals are perfect.  Aside from the slowly receding panic, he feels fine.  Cara is off for the day but some other doctors he’s seen once or twice comes in to check out what is going on inside of him.  The man, and Jensen, can’t see anything other than the usually crowded insides of Jensen’s womb.  He guesses that nothing officially ruptured but the stretching his uterus is doing caused a slow bleed.

They can get that under control.  It is more scary than serious.

Dr. Nardy stops in, as he does whenever he is on call, to check him out later that afternoon.  The bleeding has slowed and he’s still not contracting but it turns out he is 4 centimeters dilated and 50 percent effaced. 

The news isn’t ideal but it isn’t terrible either.  He tells Jensen they are going to add that to the list of things to monitor and that people can go weeks without dilating further.

His words just add to the staggering statistics they are up against.

He calls Jared, tells him he doesn’t have to come to the hospital, he just wanted to hear his voice.  Jared knows there is something upsetting Jensen despite the fact that Jensen doesn’t want to tell him what Dr. Nardy said over the phone.

It’s almost expected when Jared shows up in Jensen’s room 45 minutes later.  Jensen doesn’t know if his husband is lying so as not to upset him or that people really are so kind when Jared tells him their boss told him to leave early, that he wouldn’t dock his pay.

They don’t say much, but Jensen is calmer with Jared around.

He stays the night, which he’s gotten used to doing, so he is there when they check on Jensen in the morning and find out he is 5 centimeters dilated.  He’s still not contracting but if he keeps dilating they are going to have a problem.

Fortunately, he stops.  For the next week he stays at 5.  Its good, but the relief is short lived.

At 27 weeks, Jensen goes into labor for the fourth time.

This time they can’t stop it.

************

Fortunately for the baby but unfortunately for Jensen, his labor is a slow one.

Considering how many times he’s been down this road before, his contractions don’t seem to know what they are doing.  They are all over the place.

Attempts to stop his labor have failed, and he’s exhausted all resources.

“We’re just going to let you labor on your own for a while.”  Dr. Nardy pushed up from between his legs and tossed his latex gloves in the waste bin.  “You’re still at 5 so this could take a while.”

“But you said 28 weeks…28 weeks and she’ll have a good chance.”  Jensen scrunched up his face in discomfort and stared down his doctor.

“I also said it was a hard mark to hit.  You’ve gotten very close.  She’s not coming today and every day helps.  But it’s just too risky to delay your labor anymore.  We are going to get you some steroids to help her lungs develop enough and something to prevent hemorrhaging in her brain.  But your labor combined with your dilation and the fact that your water broke five weeks ago make it impossible for me to suggest delaying delivering your daughter.

Jensen paused.  “How much does it cut her chances?”

“About 10%.  But like I said, it could take a few days.  Right now you’re labor isn’t even close to being regulated.  We’re going to monitor both of your vitals and as long as she isn’t showing signs of fatigue or distress we are going to let her take as long as she wants.  We’re still hoping for a natural delivery but we can do an emergency c-section if needed.  I’d like to avoid it though, since it will be more traumatic for you and you don’t heal well.”

All Jared got out of that was “10%”.  He bites the corner of his lip and waits for Jensen to make the next move.

Except, Jensen doesn’t.  He just stares at the doctor, teeth clenched, breathing heavily.

“You’ve carried her longer than anyone thoughts you would.  You gave her the best chance possible.  But now it is out of your hands.”  Dr. Nardy sighed, giving Jensen a compassionate smile.  “We are going to take care of you two.  We’ve been prepping for this for weeks.”

Jared stands up and faces the man eye to eye.  It isn’t threatening but there is a fierce protectiveness behind the gesture.  “You better.  Because I am practically putting the two most important things in my life into your hands.”

*************

Jensen yelled out and curled into the side of the bed.  High pain tolerance be damned, he was in the worst pain in his life.

“Shh Jen, it’s okay.”  Jared reached over and pushed his hair to the side.

Jensen stayed buried in the sheets, letting the fabric muffle a moan.  He fought through the remainder of the contraction with his hands fisted near his face.  Coming back down from it everything still hurt but it was just south of unbearable.  “This kid better not say I never did anything for her.”

“I don’t think _anyone_ will say you never did anything for her.” 

Jensen curled around himself, not sure if he would rather endure more contractions and live with the fear of the unknown or have everything out in the open and let the doctor’s intervene. 

“How you holding up?”  Jared sighed and ran a cool washcloth over Jensen’s forehead.

“You labor for over 50 hours and then we’ll talk.”  Jensen groaned and closed his eyes.  “She’s still okay, right?”

Jared looked at the machine’s monitoring his daughter.  They had made no sense to him when this whole process first began but two distress alerts and 52 hours later and he was getting the hang of it. “Still good.”

Jensen took some comfort in that.  Technically he had carried his daughter for 27 weeks, 3 days, and 5 hours.  That was a number he could live with.  He knew, however, he couldn’t keep this up much longer.  “Fuck!”  He grabbed onto Jared and squeezed his hand hard, letting out a groan as a contraction hit him hard.  Over the course of his labor he had gotten so hot that he shoved all the blankets off his bed, making it easy for Jared to notice the small splotch of thinned blood staining the mattress.

Automatically his hand went to the call button before he jumped up and grabbed Jensen by the shoulders.  “Jensen?”  He forced him to look at him.  “Baby, I don’t want you to freak out, but you’re bleeding.”

Though he heard his husband, he was too caught up in pain to react verbally.  His body responded on its own by sending a shot of adrenaline through him.  Blood was bad, but blood was expected.

When he opened his eyes a nurse was hovering near him, trying to get his attention.

“Jensen, sweetie, I am going to check what is going on, okay?  Try to stay calm.”

Nodding quickly, Jensen let her swing his legs up into the set of stirrups at the end of the bed and held his breath.

“Honey, you’re at 10 centimeters. You’re bleeding, but I don’t want you to worry about that right now, okay?  It’s not a lot, certainly less than you’ve bled before.  I’m going to go page Dr. Nardy.”  Jensen grabbed onto her and she patted his hand before pulling away to page the doctor.

Jared licked his lips and swallowed hard.  Through his own fears he found a way to hold it together enough for Jensen, returning to his seat beside him and curling an arm around his upper body.  He hushed him softly.  “Hey Jen, we’re going to have a baby.”

It was a phrase he never thought he’d hear uttered.  “Yeah…”

******************

“Alright Jensen, I’m going to need you to push for me.”  Dr. Nardy took a seat between the man’s forcefully spread legs and looked up at his defiant eyes.

Jensen took a shuddering breath, trying to pull his knees closed.  The stirrups the nurses swung his legs into made it awkward but he struggled to keep his legs together.  “I can’t…I…She…”  His eyes darted around the room; there were too many people and too many machines.  It looked too chaotic, was too loud, wasn’t anything he ever wanted to be a part of.  “I can keep her in longer.”  He gasped as the pressure in his middle intensified, betraying his words.

Shaking his head sympathetically, Dr. Nardy placed a reassuring hand on Jensen’s legs as he slowly pushed them apart.  “No Jensen, you can’t.”  He got the man’s legs spread and let them fall open.  “I know you’re scared, and I know you don’t want to do this, but your body can’t hold onto her anymore.  We can’t stop your labor and it’s gone past any point where we could safely delay delivery.”  His words were calm and kind.  “Do you understand what I am saying?”

Jensen let his panic give way to stubbornness.  “I can hold out for a few more hours.”

“You might be able to, but she can’t.”  Taking a minute to read one of the monitors attached to Jensen, he tsked.  “This whole ordeal is stressing her out too.  We need to deliver her now.”

Jensen had a retort on the tip of his tongue but he abandoned it when pain left him breathless.  “Jared!”

“Right here.”  Jared crowded into his husband, letting the older man lean against him.  “I’m right here.”

“She can’t come yet.  Tell them I can keep her in for a while longer.  I can Jared.  I can keep her safe.”  Jensen curled around his middle and grabbed out for the collar or Jared’s shirt.  “Fuck.”

Jared’s voice broke, cracking from the pain of watching Jensen and his daughter struggle.  “Jen…I know how strong you are.  I know you can do anything.  But you’ve got to let them deliver her.  She needs you to do that.”  He brushed his eyes with the back of his hand.

“But her lungs…and…”  Jensen’s concerns tapered off into a pant.  The stubbornness and determination crumbled from the pain and returned to panic.  He wished everyone in the room would disappear, that he could just focus on keeping his daughter safe, but everyone seemed intent on ripping her from him.  The pain built up again; try to deny it as he might, Jensen knew he couldn’t stop his daughter from being born.  He felt the pressure low in his hips, felt her tiny head lower than ever before.

“We’re doing everything we can for your baby Jensen.  You’ve had most of your steroid and medication shots over 24 hours ago so her lungs have a good chance of being developed enough to give her a fighting chance.”  Dr. Nardy resituated himself and gave Jensen a quick examination.  “Your labor is putting even more stress on you and her.  Think about how exhausted you are.  She feels the same way. The more time we waste, the greater the chance of you bleeding out and her going into distress.  We need to deliver her quickly so the NICU team can get to work on her.  Can you do that?” 

Jensen just stared at the man between his legs.  Realization that his child’s life had started with him wishing she wasn’t inside him yet somehow got to this point of Jensen too scared to let her out of him hit him.  “Jared…”  His voice trailed off as he arched back into the bed.

“It’s okay Jen.  I’m not going anywhere.”  Jared grabbed onto Jensen’s hand and curled both of his own around it.

“You make sure she’s okay.”  Jensen squeezed his eyes shut as he felt another contraction.

Jared furrowed his brow and looked down at his husband, shaken by the words.  “She’s going to be fine.  You’re going to be fine.”

Jensen let out a hiss, pain breaking up their moment of reassurance.

“Alright Jensen, I need you to push.”  He placed two fingers near his opening and applied pressure.  “You feel this?”

Jensen nodded quickly.

“Good.  Push all the way down here.  She is small and without the normal pressure it is going to be harder to push her out than a full term baby so give me good strong pushes.  You’ll get her out.”  Dr. Nardy moved the material draping Jensen’s thighs.  “Give me a good push.”

Squeezing Jared’s hand, Jensen let himself stop trying to keep his daughter in for the first time.  He grunted as he bore down.

“Come on Jensen, you can do better than that.  Harder.”  The doctor’s words were calm but the severity of the command seeped through.

Gasping from the pain, Jensen looked frantically at his husband.  “Jared, I..”  He felt the pressure build up again and ran from it rather than worked with it.

“Focus Jensen, come on.  Big push.”  Dr. Nardy’s voice was cool and collected.  He looked up at Jensen and nodded.

“Shit.”  Gritting his teeth, Jensen pushed.  “Shit, shit, shit!”  He leaned into Jared for support as continued to bear down as hard as he could.

“Perfect.  Come right back at it.”  He monitored Jensen’s push before reassuring him again.  “Good, again.”

Jensen brought his chin to his chest and pushed.  His exhaustion from hours of labor made it hard for him to commit to the push as much as he wanted to.

Checking the monitors and noting Jensen’s lagging energy, the doctor caught Jensen’s attention.  “Relax Jensen, don’t push for a moment.”

With a huff he buried his face in Jared, panting hard to catch his breath.

Jared nuzzled him, cooing in his ear.  “You’re amazing.”

“Don’t feel so amazing right now.”  He groaned and fisted the sides of the bed as he rode out a contraction.  Before he was ready, his brief reprieve was over and Dr. Nardy was telling him to push again.  He fell into a routine of intense pushing and moments of trying to get his breath, an hour dissolving into two. 

Determined to end this, Jensen pitched forward and bore down harder than before.  “Ugh!”

“Good Jensen, just like that.”  Dr. Nardy leaned closer and supported the stretching skin as Jensen pushed again.  “Perfect.  You’re crowning.”

Jensen bit his lip while the pain in his middle radiated downward but kept on its intensity.  “Thank god!”

“She’s almost here Jen.  Keep going, okay?”  Jared pressed a kiss to Jensen’s sweaty temple.

“Jared’s right.  Just two more pushes and you’re done.”

Jensen panted as his lungs spasmed in an attempt to get more air.  He pitched forward and bore down hard.  It hurt but not as much as he expected, making him fear the worst about his daughter’s size.  He forgot how to breathe for the moment and let the panic take over.

“No, no, no Jensen.”  Dr. Nardy caught his eyes.  “You need to breathe.”

Jared grabbed his husband’s hand more firmly.  “Hey, Jensen?  Jensen?  Jensen!  Look at me.”  He waited for Jensen to make eye contact.  “You have to breathe baby.  Okay?  I need you to breathe so you can finish delivering our daughter.”

A machine went off, the noise a beeping alert that went straight through Jensen’s bones.  It sent the personnel in the room scurrying into some predetermined action Jensen wasn’t aware of.

The doctor didn’t curse, but he looked like he was on the verge of it.  “Okay Jensen, I need you to get her out on the next push.  You can do it.”  He nodded at his patient before going back to focusing on the premature infant.  “Come on Jensen, push hard.”

Jensen’s breath caught and his legs strained against the stirrups as he pushed.  “Arghh.”  Giving it absolutely everything he had, Jensen pushed for the last time.  In a blurred instant he felt his child slip free and fell back against the bed, dizzy and hazy from the effort. 

“She’s out.”  The doctor had his hands on her, manipulating her and getting her cord clamped and cut.  “She’s breathing on her own Jensen.”

Despite the relief Jensen felt, he cringed from the agonizing pain still taking hold of him.  He felt the edges of his world getting darker and when he looked down he saw the doctor’s hands covered in bright red blood.  The color made him want to crawl up the walls or scream but he didn't have enough energy for either.  His eyes rolled back momentarily before he clutched onto Jared again.  “Blood…”

“It’s okay, it’s not hers.  She’s okay.”  Dr. Nardy’s hands were moving over the baby.  She wasn’t crying but she was moving.

It wasn’t okay though.  If the blood wasn’t his daughters, then it was his, which is a whole new set of problems.  It’s what he would have preferred; he hoped that if anything had to happen it would happen to him instead of her.  “Jared…”  He gasped as a sticky nauseous feeling crept over him.  “Jared?  I don’t…Shit…I don’t feel so good.”

Jared froze in place, not sure how to react to the bloody massacre in front of him.  He knows that look on Jensen’s face and he can’t remember what to do about it.

For the first time in the whole ordeal, Dr. Nardy lost his composure.  He handed the baby of to the NICU team and focused on what Jensen just said.  “Shit.”  Jensen was bleeding. Heavily.  It was more blood than he should have been losing and, even though his sigh revealed he already knew the answer, he did a quick search with his fingers to see if Jensen had tore anything.  He hadn’t.  “He’s hemorrhaging.”  He barked orders over his shoulder.

Jensen made a hitching noise in the back of his throat before letting out a choking sound as his lungs struggled to get oxygen.  His body shivered, reacting to the sudden blood loss and the shock waiting to take effect.  Eyes fluttering closed, the whites of his eyes peek-a-booed.

Jared had seen his husband hemorrhage before, only once but it was enough to burn the memory in his brain.  He pulled Jensen’s head up with both hands, the sick clammy feeling of the man’s skin making Jared’s face break.  “Jensen!  Come on baby, let me see those eyes.”  His voice snagged on the words and panic seeped in.

Dr. Nardy moved fast.  “I need you to not pass out on me, Jensen.  You can do that.  You’ve been through worse.”  He tried to get his patient to listen to his words but Jensen was bobbing in and out of consciousness.  “Eyes open Jensen.”  It took one look at his patient to see that the request might just be too much for Jensen.  The blood flow looked as if it had intensified and he shouted at the medical team again.  “He’s bleeding out.  O.R. 4 now!  NOW!”

Jensen couldn’t focus.  The combination of exhaustion and pain made falling into unconsciousness seem like a pretty good idea.  He blinked his eyes open trying to focus on the doctor but seeing two of him.  Focusing on Jared resulted similarly.  Someone’s hands are shaking him, he thinks they are Jared’s but he doesn’t know anymore.  “Hurts…”  His world felt hot, almost stifling, and he loses his fragile grip on lucidity.

*************

There is a stream of curses filling the room.  It is unprofessional and speaks to how unexpected the change of events are. 

Suddenly Jared is getting pushed out of the way and eventually the room.  He fights them, acting more on the instinct to protect his husband than logical decision.  The doctors are trying to help Jensen, the knows that.  But, he still fights tooth and nail to try and get to him again, to get anywhere near the operating room.

“Sir, I need you to stay here.  I’m sorry but I can’t let you go back there.”  A man clothed in scrubs Jared didn’t remember is holding him firmly by the shoulders.  He is almost as tall as Jared but his brain is obviously clearer because he can string together logical sentences.  All Jared can think is _Jensen_ and _baby_ and about his need to get into the O.R.  He’s not sure what he’ll do once he gets there, but he knows he needs to be there.  Jared fights him.

“Sir!”

“Like hell I am staying here!”  Jared is aware of a second person forcing him back.

This time the man’s voice isn’t as calm.  “Sir, you either stay here or we’ll have you removed from the hospital premises.  You’re choice.”

Jared gives one last heartfelt shove before pulling back to punch the wall.  Somewhere along the way he had gotten blood on his hand and it smeared along the wall.  Seeing the color jolted him from his anger and he stared down at the residue of the vivid color on his palm.  It was Jensen’s blood and it shocked him back into feeling helpless.  He let out a strangled cry that echoed down the hallway before he slammed his back against the wall and slid down it, clean hand covering his eyes.

“Sir?”  The man who had been so firm with Jared crouched down beside him.  “It’s Jared, right?”

Jared nodded weakly.  His whole world was now in the hands of doctors he barely knew.

“Jared,” the man paused to ensure Jared was listening to him, “I’m Dr. Ryan.  I – I am sorry I can’t let you go back there.  I can’t imagine what this is like for you.  But I can’t let you go back there.”

Jared nodded dumbly.  His long legs are bent at sharp angles and drawn close to his chest as he becomes a useless heap on the floor.  He let a tear run down his check but ducked his head down between folded arms to hide the fact.

The man sighed.  “They are going to take good care of him.  I know the doctors on that team, and they’re good.”  He put a reassuring hand on Jared’s shoulder.  “I’m assigned to work on your daughter’s team.  I’m going to do everything I can to help that little girl.  But to do that I have to go do my job, and you have to do yours.”

“Mine?”  Jared pulls up, face confused.

“You need to hold it together.  Is there anyone you should call? Could call?”

“Yeah…there’s…”  Jared pulled himself up, back flat against the wall.  “Yeah.”

“Good.  Call them.  Get some coffee.  And try to be there for your family as much as you can.”  The doctor stood, holding out a hand to help Jared to his feet.  He got Jared situated in the waiting room before jogging down the hall to work on the premature infant.

Jared closed his eyes for a moment to refocus himself before pulling out his phone and dialing a number he had long committed to memory.  His fingers left smudges of blood on the number pad but he pushed the realization aside in favor of focusing on his phone call.  It took several rings before someone answered.

“Hello?  Mama?”

**********

Jared is surrounded by people in the waiting room but he feels lost.  Every time he closes his eyes he sees blood.  He opens them and splotches of red dance before him.

Blood.

There was so much blood.

Jensen’s never lost so much before.

The doctors don’t have to tell him for him to know that even a best case scenario for his husband isn’t going to be a cake wake.  Jensen’s blood doesn’t flow well and healing isn’t going to be a routine as one would think.

While best case scenarios might seem grim, he doesn’t let himself think about a worst case scenario. 

He’s downed three cups of black coffee and his body is feeling the full effects, making him shake all over.  No one from the hospital has said anything about Jensen or his daughter but his and Jensen’s family members are here and they’ve taken up residence in the room.  Their presence is comforting but he still can’t shake the revolting feeing from remembrance of Jensen’s blood.  Jensen’s mother is trying; she’s seen her son through pretty scary moments in the past and reminds Jared of how stubborn he is.

A room full of faces turns towards the outsider who has made his way into the room.  It is the same man who both prevented Jared from entering the O.R. and comforted him.  He nods acknowledgement to the people waiting for what he has to say before turning to Jared.  “Jared?”

“Hmm?”  Jared is on his feet faster than ever before.  He pushes his way to the doctor, hands shaking at his sides.

“I wanted to be the one to come talk to you, wanted to be the one to tell you your daughter is stable.”

For one brief moment Jared thinks that he doesn’t care, that he wants to know about Jensen, but the feeling is swallowed up by a sudden rush of concern.  “Stable?”

He nodded.  “Stable…for now.  She was breathing on her own when she was born but didn’t seem to have the energy to keep it up on her own after a few minutes.  The last few days and Jensen’s labor put her through the wringer.  We got her breathing again, got her on some oxygen.  She’s hanging in there.  She’s having trouble keeping up with everything her body needs to do to function.  The oxygen levels in her blood…”

Jared cut him off, his heart pumping faster in his chest as he jumped to conclusions.  “Blood?  Oh god, does she have the same disorder as Jensen?”

Dr. Ryan’s voice stayed calm.  “Not that we can tell.  Her blood is fine.  She just isn’t getting enough oxygen.  Her lungs should be developed enough to function but she is having trouble taking in enough air on her own, hence her blood’s oxygen levels being low.  It’s called Persistent Pulmonary Hypertension and it is common in premature babies.  We have her on a respirator for now and she is doing well.  We are going to try to remove it and get her to work on breathing on her own.  But there could be a bigger problem.”

“Bigger problem?”  Jared was aware of his mother hovering at his side, felt her hand, solid and reassuring, on his back.  “Her brain?”

“No, her brain is fine.  No hemorrhaging.”   Dr. Ryan pinched the bridge of his nose.  “It’s her heart.  She’s faring well right now, but there is a hole on her heart, in her septum wall technically.”

Jared’s breath shuttered.  He and Jensen were well aware of common issues their daughter would face if born early.  Hearing about a heart issue wasn’t a shock but it still shook him. 

Jared’s mother let out a high pitched cry.  “What does that mean – What does that mean for her?” 

“Ma’am, it means that her blood isn’t circulating as it should.  Her heart has to work extra hard, but her heart is small and tired and she is having trouble doing that.  Adding her lung issue to her heart issue, and her body is having trouble getting the oxygen and blood flow it needs.  Short term effects are body discoloration and an irregular breathing pattern.  Long term effects are brain damage, impaired growth, more heart problems.” 

“Can you fix it?  Can you…It can be fixed…right?”  Jared knees weakened and he fell into the seat beside him.  “You can fix it.”  He looked up at the doctor and watching him take a seat beside him.  “You _can_ fix it?”

The doctor wet his lips.  “It can be fixed but it can’t be fixed right now.  She’s too weak and to do surgery on her would be an uphill battle.  It’s a risk I’m not willing to recommend.”  He put a hand on Jared’s knee.  “Listen, Jared…She’s a fighter.  She is strong.  Jensen made it to almost 28 weeks and that bought us some precious time.  She’s responding to our treatments and if she can keep progressing for the next week, I think she is going to bounce back.  But I am not trying to sugarcoat this.  The hole is big, big enough that we project it won’t close on its own.  It could get smaller but most likely, provided she keeps thriving over the next few days, a surgeon will have to go in and patch it.  It’s a common enough procedure but we want to keep her stable for a while longer before attempting it.”

“Uh huh.”  Jared heard the words but was having trouble fitting them together.  Living in a world where there are no quick fixes for his husband’s medical issues, he doesn’t know why he expects his daughter to escape that fact.  “But…she’s stable?”

“Yes.  And we are going to keep her that way.”  He smiled at Jared, eyes exuding a certainty the new father very much needed.  “Do you want to see her?  You can’t hold her right now, but you can touch her.”

“I…”  He looked to his family and in-laws. 

“Go honey.”  Jared’s mother nudged him gently.  “Go see your daughter.”

Jensen’s mother is at his other side.  “Of course you go see that little girl.  Go.”  She smiled softly at Jared.  “I swear I will come get you if we hear any word about Jensen.”  Her voice is still filled with concern for her son but she keeps up her smile in spite of it.  She reaches up and cups Jared’s face, kissing him on the cheek in gesture remarkably similar to one his husband uses.

He nodded at Dr. Ryan.  “If you think it is safe then yes…I would like to see my daughter.”

Dr. Ryan’s smile reached his eyes.  “Good.  I think you should…I think you need to.”  He stood up and gestured for Jared to follow him.  “Come.”  Slowing his pace, he let Jared catch up to him.  They wove through the inner workings of the hospital to the NICU unit.

The NICU was far worse than Jared expected it to be.  The sounds of machines and presence of incubators served as blatant reminders of what NICU actually stood for.  There was an eerie tranquility to the room and it conflicted with the anxiety building up in Jared. 

“Before I take you to her, I want you to be prepared for what you are going to face.  Okay?”  Dr. Ryan waited for Jared’s nod.  “She’s small, but a fraction above average for a baby born at 28 weeks.  She is about 2.6 pounds.  She’ll be in an incubator with the respirator I told you about but you can touch her.  The tubes and machines are going to shock you but they aren’t hurting her, I promise.”

“Okay, yeah…”  Jared thought he was prepared, but after being helped into a sterile gown and scrubbing his hands, Jared’s heart still stopped when he saw the baby.  She was tinier than he thought 2.6 pounds could be, and there were more tubes and whirring machines crowding around her than he’s ever seen with Jensen.  “Oh my god…”

“It’s okay.  Give yourself a moment and then come sit with her.”  He gestured to a chair beside the incubator.  “It’s okay Jared.”

Jared brushed past the doctor, disregarding his advice.  There were people breezing through the NICU and some fusing with his daughter but everything faded into the background.  His daughter’s chest was rising and falling in an unnatural manner.  She was mostly naked but the tubes and tape holding them in place almost made it hard to tell.  Her body was sprawled open and vulnerable, body lean and red instead of pink and chubby.  “Hi.” Jared reached out and floated a hand over the incubator.  “Hi there little frog.”

“You her daddy?”  A nurse crept next to Jared and gave him a warm smile.

He’d never heard the words on someone else’s tongue before.  But they were true.  There was his daughter and she solidified his title.  “I..umm…Yeah, I am.” 

“Here,” she lifted up an opening in the incubator and guided Jared’s hand towards it.  “You can touch her, let her know you are here.”  Sensing the man’s hesitation, she demonstrated, stroking her thumb over the baby’s forearm.  “Does this little girl have a name?”

Jared watched the nurse withdraw and quickly mimicked her action, his large hand dwarfing his daughter even further.  “Yeah, Charlotte I think.”  He ghosted his fingers of the tiny arm and she shifted.

“You think?”

“Uhh…I…” Jared paused in his touching of the baby’s arm.  “Her other father…we didn’t really talk about it.”

“Oh you’re…”  Her face morphed into one of realization.  She swung her head to the baby’s chart and smiled back at Jared.  “You’re Jensen’s husband.”

“Yeah umm…you know Jensen?”

She rubbed a hand on his back.  “Sweetie, everyone here knows Jensen.  Poor thing has been here so long that I think he’s met everyone on staff.”

“Yeah well, he’s not doing too hot right now.  So if,” he sucked back a sob and went back to stroking the baby’s arm, “everyone would think positive thoughts for him I am sure he’s appreciate it.  I would.”

“We already know he’ll be okay.  He’s stubborn, just like this little girl right here.  They are both not planning on giving up any time soon.”

Jared laughed.  Only hours old and his child was already proving to be her birth father’s daughter.  “She’s so small.”

“She is.”  The nurse stepped to the side to give Jared room to be with his daughter.  “She’ll grow if you give her a chance; right now we are giving her every chance we can.  Listen,” she took a deep breath, “I’ve been doing this for years.  I have a tendency to get attached to my patients.  And that sweet little thing is not going anywhere on my watch.  We made an agreement.  She promised.”

“A promise?”

“Oh yeah.  She drives one hell of a bargain. I hope you don’t mind but I promised her years of hugs from you and Jensen and a late bedtime.  I hope you can agree to that.”

Jared smiled down at his daughter.  “Yeah…”  He felt the tears starting to blur his vision and wiped at them with his free hand.  “Yeah, I can do that.  She can have ice cream for dinner for all I care.”

“Good.  Now get to know you’re daughter.  I apologize ahead of time but she is a bit of a chatter box.”  She patted him on the back one last time before continuing her rounds.

Left alone with his daughter Jared couldn’t help but lose his composure.  He fell into the chair beside the incubator and leaned in as close as he could to her.  She looked so fragile and tiny that he was certain she couldn’t have come from him and Jensen.  “Hey little girl.”  His eyes roamed over her face, trying to see any mix of him and his husband.  Jensen was right, she did have a mini version of his nose.  “Hi Charlotte, I’m your dad.  We’ve never really met before but I talked to you all the time.”  Sucking back a shuddering sob, he traced circles over her arm and down her palm, surprised when she slowly curled her hand around this pointer finger.  His heart melted and he continued cooing at his daughter, no matter how crazy the one sided conversation seemed.  “I’m so glad to finally meet you.  I know your other father will be just as excited.  He’s been keeping you safe for a really long time so you have to try and stay strong for him.  Okay?” At the last statement a tear fell down his cheek.  “He really needs you.  You can have whatever you want when you are grown.  You can jump on your bed and jump off the swing set and do whatever you want.  Just please get stronger.”

He watched her chest rise and fall and ran a finger down the center.  He lost track of how long he was sitting there when Jensen’s mother, wearing a similar sterile gown, tapped him on the shoulder.  The fact that his mother-in-law and Dr. Ryan managed to sneak up on him surprised him.  She went to talk to him but got lost in looking at the baby. 

“Oh my god.”  She covered her mouth with her hands.

“I know.”

“She’s…”

“I know.”  He let go of Charlotte’s hand and pulled away to face the new arrivals.

Jensen’s mother pulled her eyes away from her granddaughter with some difficultly and faced her son-in-law.  “Jensen’s out of surgery.  He has been in recovery for a half hour but they wouldn’t let anyone see him.  But I’m told that if he stays stable for the next 15 minutes they’ll let you in to see him.”

Jared stood so suddenly that he almost knocked the chair backwards.  He couldn’t form words other than a meaningless question.  “Really?”

“Really.”  She placed a hand on Jared’s arm.  “Go.  I’ll keep her company.  If that’s okay with you?”

“Yes.  Yes of course!  Please.”  Jared turned to leave, need to see his husband taking control of his muscles.  “Charlotte.”

“What?”

“Her name is Charlotte.”

************

Jared slumped back into the chair beside Jensen, a place he had gotten much too familiar with.

Jensen had been in and out of consciousness for the last few hours, never truly waking enough to realize his surroundings.  With the extreme blood loss, transfusion, and emergency hysterectomy, he was having a hard time staying conscious on his own.  It scared Jared, but the doctors assured him that everything still looked fine.  They weren’t sure how Jensen’s blood disorder would play into things, but so far his blood pressure was stable and his other organs were holding up.  They also weren’t sure how long it would be until he could stay awake for more than a few moments.

As much as he tried to fight it, the day’s events had drained him.  Caught between wanting to see his daughter again and not wanting to leave Jensen’s side, Jared felt torn.  He knew he needed to talk to people, do things, but collapsing in the chair felt better than dealing with the serious issues to come.

It’s the reason why he passes out the moment he let his eyes close.  Thirty seconds into unconsciousness and images of blood, respirators, and hospital beds do not exist.  He wakes some time later, realizing he must have slept long enough for the dark outside to turn to light.

He cracks one eye open at his husband, and realizes Jensen is awake, staring at him through tired eyes; but still, that familiar spark is there.  He is still his Jensen.

“Hi you.”  Jensen’s voice is hoarse and sore from when they intubated him.

“Jensen!”  Jared nearly falls out of the chair as he scrambles to get himself together, the residual sleepiness in his body making it hard to function smoothly.  “You’re awake.”  Relief fills every nerve in his body, like Jensen’s consciousness gives him the ability to breathe fully again.  He blinks several times to help him focus.  “How are you feeling?”

Jensen winces, trying to talk but having to give it a second go before he got words out.  “You can have the next one.”

Jensen’s request is so far from anything on Jared’s mind that he lets out a surprised laugh.  He can’t believe his husband has the energy to make a joke when he barely has the energy to breathe right now.  With more than enough to handle after being a parent for only 10 hours, Jared is not insane enough to even think about having more children.  Still he laughs and runs a hand down Jensen’s cheek.  “Yeah, okay.  Yeah.  Whatever you want.”

“I feel like my insides have been ripped out.”  Jensen grimaces when he tries to move, decides against it, and looks helplessly at Jared.

“They kind of have.”  Jared pushed Jensen’s hair aside and ran his hand through it.

“What?”

“They couldn’t stop the bleeding and had to remove your uterus.”  Jared isn’t sure how Jensen is going to react to that news.  He hates people making decisions for him, but he was pretty unconscious when the choice was made.

“Oh, well that would explain the feeling then.”  He looked down at his middle, still swollen and showing under the sheets tucked around him.  The question he looked like he’d been dying to know the answer to since Jared laid eyes on him escaped his mouth.  “Is she okay?”

“Yeah, for the most part.  She’s doing okay.”  Jared smiled softly.  “She’s had some issues breathing but they have her on the respirator.  She might need to have surgery but she is stable.”  He wasn’t sure how deeply he wanted to delve into Charlotte’s health issues but he didn’t want to lie to Jensen either.

Jensen’s eyes flashed concern.  “Surgery?”

“Yeah….umm…here heart has a small defect.  They can’t operate right now because she is too weak, but I talked to a few doctors.  They said it was a relatively simply procedure and didn’t seem to worried about it.  But don’t worry about it right now.  She’s doing good.”

Swallowing again to find his voice, “How big is she?”

“2.6 pounds.”

“2.6 pounds? And they are going to operate on her?”  Jensen squeezed his eyes shut as lights danced before them.  “She’s too tiny for that."

Sensing his husband was getting upset, Jared hushed him.  “Don’t worry about that now, okay?  You don’t need to upset yourself, you need to try and get strong enough to see her right now.”

“You saw her?”

“Yeah.”  Jared’s face melted, smiling at the thought.  “She’s really small and I couldn’t hold her but she held onto my finger.”  He pushed forward and kissed Jensen on the forehead.  “I hope you don’t mind but I promised her unlimited junk food, late bedtimes, lots of hugging, and permission to jump on the bed in exchange for her not giving up and thriving.”

“She can have more than that.”  Jensen sighed.  “I’d give her everything.”  The words _I almost did_ go unspoken.

“I also named her Charlotte.  I hope that’s okay.  We can change it is you want to but…”

Cutting Jared off, Jensen furrowed his brow at him.  “How did you know?”

“Know what?”

“That I like the name Charlotte.”  Jensen turned his head into Jared’s touch.

Jared shrugged.  “I guessed.  It was the only name you circled multiple times in the baby book I snatched when you were sleeping one night.”

Yawning, the older man’s voice was soft.  “Does it suit her?”

“Charlotte?  Yeah, I think it does.”  Jared noted Jensen’s heavy eyelids.  “She’s amazing Jensen.  I can’t wait till you can see her.  She’s beautiful.”

“I want to see her.  I…”  Jensen paused, something going on behind his eyes.  “Can I see her?”

“Baby, you can barely stay awake right now but no one is going to keep you from her.  Why don’t you rest for a little bit.  I’ll be right here for a while and then I’ll go check on Charlotte and see when they think you can meet her.  Okay?”  Jared could tell Jensen didn’t want to wait, but his exhaustion betrayed him.

“I’m just so tired Jay.”  His eyes fluttered closed before he jerked them open.

“Sleep.  I’ll be right here.”  Jared leaned forward and interlaced his fingers with Jensen.  “It’s okay.  You need to heal.”

“Just give me a few minutes, okay?”  Jensen fought to stay conscious but eventually his fatigue won out.  He tried to ward off unconsciousness, gave it his best effort, but failed.

And when Dr. Ryan entered the room to let him know Charlotte stopped breathing, Jared was glad Jensen was too far gone to hear the news.

**************

The hospital becomes a revolving door of family members and friends.  Between juggling Charlotte’s breathing problems and Jensen’s bleeding, Jared hasn’t truly slept, it’s destroying him.

After every time Jared dealt with Charlotte’s latest breathing scare, he looked like he was about to start having breathing problems himself.

Everyone in this hospital is working to keep Charlotte alive and make sure Jensen recovers.  Jared takes to using an offered cot in Jensen’s hospital room to pass out for a few hours while others keep tabs on Charlotte.  He hates to abandon, which is what he feels sleeping is at this point, his husband and daughter during this time period but he would be no use to them if he keeps running on empty.

His parents had started taking turns so one could get rest while the other stayed as a support system at the hospital.  His father and father-in-law are trying to keep everyone caffeinated and fed, but even they are starting to feel the strain.  Refusing to rest almost as much as Jared, Jensen’s mother was splitting her time between her son and granddaughter.

Days pass in a blur and Jared is starting to forget what the world outside the hospital looks like.  It’s all worth it when Jensen gets out of bed for the first time since his surgery.  He can barely take a step unassisted, but he is smirking like he’s got it all together.

Jensen’s stopped bleeding, which is a small miracle.  Despite all their roadblocks, miracles haven’t exactly been in short supply for the last 6 months.

Two days later Jensen gets the okay to go see Charlotte but they need to check with the NICU to make sure she is doing well enough to meet her father.

She has been recovering just as well as Jensen.  For the last two days she has been breathing on her own.  The hole in her heart is still there but Dr. Ryan wants to wait another day before he schedules surgery to close it.

Charlotte is defying odds.  She is getting stronger by the day.  Her prognosis is good, but her doctors discover she does have an issue with her hips.  It’s not something they are overly concerned with, wearing pediatric leg braces at night will correct it before she is even talking.

Jensen is sad that Charlotte’s list of obstacles is growing longer, which Jared is quick to remind him the list of things she’s overcome is longer still.

Everyone is right.  She’s just as stubborn as Jensen.

**************

“Hey hot stuff.”  Cara plopped herself into the wheelchair she was pushing and maneuvered her way into Jensen’s room.

“Cara?”  Jensen moved too suddenly and hissed.  “What are you doing here?  I thought you were off today.”

“I am off.”  Cara spun in a circle.  “But Mary told me you get to see Charlotte today so I pulled a few strings.  You know, I have some pretty in-the-know connections since I work in the hospital an all.”  She laughed.  “I’ve seen you through this pregnancy for the last 8 weeks, there is no way I am going to miss this.”  She rose from the chair and leaned towards Jensen.  “You ready to go see your daughter?”

“Yeah, I,”  Jensen’s eyes widened, “I was ready days ago.”

“Then your chariot awaits.”  She gestured towards the chair before turning to Jared.  “Jared, want to assist me in helping Jensen to the wheelchair?”

“Of course.”  Jared got to his feet.  He knew Jensen was going to make a fuss about not needing help so he looped his arm under his shoulders before he could protest.  Cara got on Jensen’s other side and they had the man seated in the wheelchair without a hitch.

On the way to the NICU, Cara tried to prepare Jensen for what he was about to see.  “She’s going to look really fragile Jensen, and she is, but she won’t break if you touch her or hold her.”

“I can hold her?”  Jensen swung his head up to look at Cara as she pushed him.

“Yep.  She’s doing well enough to stay out of the incubator for a little while.  Jared’s not even held her yet, you’re going to be the first one.”  Cara took a sharp turn.

Jensen feels horrible that he is actually happy about that fact.  Jared’s been able to see Charlotte for the past few days.  It only seems fair that Jensen would be the first one to hold her.

“She’s going to be hooked up to a lot of monitors and she can’t suckle on her own right now so she might have a feeding tube so she can get milk.  But I want you to remember that she is doing okay.”

“Okay, anything else?”

“Not really.  But we want you to try holding her skin-to-skin, against your chest.  It depends on what you believe, studies show it will help her.  I personally think it will do you two a world of good, emotionally and physically.”  Cara smirked.  “Okay, here we are.”

Jensen’s heart stopped when he was faced with string of incubators.  He looked up at Jared, finding his husband, even though he should have been more accustomed with the NICU, to be in a similar state of discomfort.  If he felt weak and helpless at the moment, he couldn’t imagine some of the obstacles these premature babies were facing. 

“She’s over here Jen.”  Jared took control of the wheel chair and ushered Jensen closer to their daughter.

“Oh my god.”

“You’re mom said the same thing.”  Jared sat down in the chair beside the incubator and watched Jensen meet his daughter for the first time.

“Oh my god.”  Jensen ran his eyes over his daughter’s face and body, not sure if he wanted to smile or have a panic attack from how small she was in person.  This was his little frog.  The person he almost died to protect, the person that almost died if he had stopped fighting for her.  “Hi Charlotte.”  He turned to face his husband.  “Jared…she’s…she’s really tiny.”

“Yeah I know.”  Jared reached up and used a finger to coax his daughter’s hand into making a fist around it.  “Hi, Charlotte.  I told you I would bring your daddy to see you.”

“Okay Jensen, want to hold her?”  Cara crouched down in front of Jensen.

“I don’t want to hurt her.”  Jensen wasn’t sure anyone should hold her.  She looked perfectly safe and happy in her incubator.  For a moment he thought about the fact that she _finally_ looked like she had room to stretch her legs out.

“You won’t.  Jared will help you.”

“I will?”  Jared pulled back and pointed a finger to his chest.

“Yes you will.  Don’t worry, you guys made her, there is no way you would do anything to hurt her.”  Cara unclipped the incubator.  “So, if you wanna hold her skin-to-skin, unbutton the top button’s of your pajama top.”

“Yeah, okay.”  Jensen fiddled with the buttons, eyes never leaving Cara as she carefully gathered Charlotte into her arms.

“Okay, I’m going to put her against your chest.  All you have to do is keep her there.”  Cara bent down carefully and transferred the small child onto the warm skin over Jensen’s heart.  “Mind the sensors on her skin, but otherwise, meet your daughter.”

Jensen forgot how to breathe for a moment.  He wrapped his arms around Charlotte, feeling her soft skin met his own.  He had to remind himself to take a lungful of oxygen when he looked down at her and she opened her eyes for the briefest of moments.  “Hi little frog.”

“Here you go.”  Cara draped a soft blanket over Charlotte and Jensen’s chest, keeping the warmth in.  “She’s all yours.”

“What do I do?”  Jensen didn’t take his eyes from his daughter.

“Just hold her.  Get to know her.”  Cara smiled.  “You’re doing perfect so stop worrying.”  She crouched down to get a closer look of her patient and his daughter.  “She looks happy.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.  Listen, I’ll let you two get to know each other.  You can hold her as long as you want to and Jared can get a chance next.  Call me or anyone in the NICU if you need anything.  And I mean _anything.”_

“Thanks Cara.”  Jared smiled at the woman before stroking his finger along the shell of Charlotte’s ear.

“You’re welcome.  Now, enjoy your daughter.”  She nodded a goodbye and gave them men space.

“This is unreal.”  Jensen looked up to meet Jared’s eyes.  “I never thought I would want this so much.  I mean...holding her is so much different than being pregnant with her.  She’s…she’s…you’re right Jared, she’s amazing.”

Jared couldn’t talk, only nodding in agreement.  He slid the chair closer to his husband, close enough so that their shoulders were practically brushing.

“I’m in love with her.”  Jensen ducked his head to give her a quick kiss.

“She looks pretty smitten herself.”  Jared reached out and gently curled his hand around her arm.

“Why didn’t I want this before?”  Wiggling his nose, Jensen tried to ward off tears.

“Shh, it doesn’t matter.  You want it now and we are going to be the best parents to her.  I don’t want you thinking any other way.”

Jensen let out a relieved sigh.  “Come here.”  Jensen gestured with his head for Jared to lean in closer.  When he did he tilted his chin up and kissed his husband square on the lips.  “I love you.”

Jared gave the man a sly look.  “I love you too.”

“Man, is it crazy that I want to kill anyone who would try to hurt her?”

“Nah, you’re her dad.  It’s what you’re supposed to do.”

Jensen raised an eyebrow at the younger man.  “You wouldn’t?”

“Course I would.  But I’d let you be bad cop.  You’re better at it.”

He knew Jared was right, Jensen wasn’t one to run from confrontation.  He took a deep breath, relishing the small weight of his daughter over his lungs.  “It’s nice to meet you face to face Charlotte.  I’m sorry it took so long.  I’m sorry I made things tough for you.  But I am going to love you _so_ much.  You are so perfect.”  Jensen fell against the wheelchair’s back and cradled her to his chest.  She made a small whimper and it made him hold her all the more securely.

He already loved her more than life itself.  But he couldn’t blame her for that.

He thanked her.

***************

Two days later Charlotte underwent surgery to close the hole in her heart.

It went perfectly.

With her heart repaired, Charlotte showed her doctors that she was just as determined to overcome things put in her way as Jensen was.

She flourished.  Aside from her leg braces, three weeks after her birth she was considered strong enough to leave the NICU

Two weeks after that Jared fed her her first bottle.  She wasn’t quick to get the hang of bottle feeding, but she made baby steps.

That was also the week Jensen was released from the hospital, but one wouldn’t know that.  He spent just as much time there.  So did Jared.

It was a good thing Charlotte had a cheering squad.  Practically every nurse and doctor that worked with her was a fan of her parents.  Jared and Jensen found out they had a new type of family.

A week later, Charlotte let out her first strong full lung powered cry when a nurse went to take her from Jensen’s arm.  In a normal situation this would have saddened a parent, but for Charlotte it was another mile stone.  Jensen let out a laugh in celebration and she wowed him with her lung power as the cry went on.

And 2.5 months after she was born, Jensen and Jared brought Charlotte home.

She was the plan they never meant to make but did anyway.

She was the perfect plan.

She was their future plan.


End file.
